Dear Lindsay Lohan,

I messed up. I fell for the wrong chick. I was sad, very sad. But then I saw your pictures and now I feel a lot better. Thank you.

Signed Xilla

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Dear Lindsay Lohan,

I wanted to wish you a very happy New Years. I know a lot of people don’t seem to understand why I write you letters. Hell I’m not even sure you read the letter I write you, but I post them so that the world can see my love for you and possible join in our own private conversations. I mean yeah I ask you great questions about love and sex and life, but I’m sure you wouldn’t mind it if other people joined in on our conversation in our head. Maybe women are just jealous of you. I find that women don’t like other women. I wonder why women hate other women? Do you have a clue Lilo? Yeah… Me neither.

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

It’s been a minute since I last wrote you, but my love for you has not faded. I’m going to meet you one day. I just want a picture and maybe take a shot w/ you. Anyway I just wanted to ask you have you ever giving out a wrong number? If so please explain.

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Hey Lindsay, it’s been a while since my last letter, but that because I’ve been running around and working like a mad man. Anyway I wanted to ask you, How would you feel if your child was ugly? I know that might be a bit shallow, but I don’t want any ugly kids. I’m not going to front, i might not be able to love that child like I love my other kids. I’m sure you’ve seen your fair share of ugly children with your work w/ Disney. You can’t really tell a parent their kid is ugly, but in the back of your mind… Aren’t you like, damn this kid better be smart or rich because it looks like something I seen that weird guy eat on the Discovery Channel. Lock this creature up and throw away the key.

You see, I want a son bad, but I don’t want my son to be ugly. He’ll never get laid if he’s ugly unless he is willing to pay for it, or has a lot of money. Ugly people get mistreated, misuse and abused. I know what I’m saying is a bit harsh, but c’mon doesn’t everyone like talking about ugly kids? How many times have you laughed at someone talking about a baby w/ a lopsided head or an unusually big nose? Many, but we play it off by saying that’s not funny, while wiping tears out of our eyes because we know it’s true.

A while back my home boy took home this chick w/ a phatty, but her face look like she was in a MMA match w/ a jack hammer. Long story short, he wrote that off as an easy drunk lay, that is of course until the condom popped and he got a call saying she was knocked up. He went through the motions, but she was very adamant in keeping the baby. He wanted to resort to plan B, and push the monster down the stairs, but finally he gave in and now I clown him about his kid all the time. The boy looks like Flavor Flav’s pinky toe.

I mean looking at the bigger picture, I can understand how men don’t want to have kids, you never know how this child is going to turn out. What if the baby is not only ugly, but stupid too. Nothing is worst than a ugly child and a stupid child at that. I’ve heard of stories where men have came up with wild excuses to get out of having a child. It’s not always about ducking the responsibility of being a parent sometimes it’s for a lot simpler reasons than not wanting to pay child support.

Sometimes it’s just that he doesn’t want to be bothered with the chick, other times is because her family is chronically screwed up. A person’s genes are very important and many times a banging body can make us look pass that. Anyway I won’t keep you Lindsay I know you’re very busy.

Have you ever cracked jokes on ugly kids, do you fear you’ll have ugly children and if you did what would you do? Until next time.

YOUR PARTICIPATION IS REQUIRED

Signed Your Biggest Fan Of Color

Xilla The Sexual Intellectual

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Have you ever hated someone so much that you wouldn’t spit on them if they were on fire? Ok maybe that was a little bit extreme, but wanted to set the tone of how much I dislike this person. Before I continue let me explain. There is this girl who is an ex of mine and she stole from me. It’s crazy because most of the ladies I have been with have only stole my heart, but this one stole my most prized possession.

Maybe I’m just like my mother because she can’t stand my dad. She hates his guts, but he Chris Brown her ass for years so I understand where the hatred comes from. One time we were in the car and she started to compare me to my father then she started to hurl insults at my dead dad. I asked her to have some respect being that he had just died, but I guess after years of keeping me sheltered from her hatred she decided to go in like rapper penis in the mouth of Karine “I’m a NY Times best selling author” Steffans, aka don’t ask me why I’m famous, but I digress. 

I often wonder why people can’t forgive, I consider myself a forgiving person, but when it comes to this spec of vomit on the wall of a fat man’s house after eating maget pie… I simply can’t bring myself to forgive her. Which is sad, I’m not holier than thou, I’ve cheated, lied, and manipulated women in my day but I never stole from one. Not a dime, a penny and definitely not an idea or furmula to ones livilihood. I once cut a friend off because she stole 3 bucks from my house to buy a beer. I mean I did owe her 20 bucks but I paid her as soon as she came back from the store with the beer. I guess life is crazy like that huh? We do things even though we know they are wrong and know we shouldn’t do it. I probably shouldn’t even have written this letter.

Why do people hold grudges? Do you hate or dislike one of your exes? If so why? Could you ever forgive them? If so what would they have to do to earn your forgiveness.

Yours truly
Xilla your number 1 fan who ate general tso’s chicken for lunch.

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Hey It’s Xilla again. I had a great day today. My blog did record numbers. Did I tell you I ran a sex blog? Well I do and its big! “Thats what she said” (lol I had to do it.) Anyway I’m hearing you got turned down for a role about a teen blogging about her sexual coming-of-age, but the writer Allison Burnett passed on you because you’re too jaded. What does she know, she probably never even had a threesome before. Have you ever had a threesome?

Have you ever seen the episode of Seinfeld where he tries to pull of the roommate switch? There is a part of the show that goes as followed.

GEORGE: All right. Let’s go over it again, one more time.

JERRY: All right. So I tell Sandy that I want to have a ménage à trois with her

and her roommate.

GEORGE: That’s right.

JERRY: And you believe this course of action will have a two-pronged effect.

Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandy to recoil in

disgust, whereupon she will insist that I remove myself from the

premises.

GEORGE: Keep going.

JERRY: At this point, it is inevitable that she will seek out the roommate to

apprise her of this abhorrent turn of events.

GEORGE: Continue.

JERRY: The roommate will then offer her friend the requisite sympathy even as

part of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered by her inclusion in

the unusual request.

{George takes over.}

GEORGE: A few days go by and a call is placed at a time when Sandy is known to

be busy at work…

It’s really the perfect plan. Jerry pulls the plan off to a tee, but the girls are actually down for the threesome. No offense, but I peg you as a 3some kind of girl. If you were my girl, I could actually sing ‘my girl gotta girlfriend’ and mean it. Just kidding. Jerry doesn’t want any parts of the three some though, he says “Don’t you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I’d have to dress different. I’d have to act different. I’d have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I’d need a new bedspread and new curtains I’d have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I’d have to get new friends. I’d have to get orgy friends… Naw, I’m not ready for it.”

Does a three some really change a person? I mean I had an almost threesome before, there was no girl on girl action, it was more like, they took turn riding me and stuff like that. My carpet stayed the same, I didn’t grow a mustache. I did have a few other rounds with them on different occasions. Once while we played Sonic The Hedgehog. I found sex is better when she’s holding a joystick. PAUSE!

Anyway Lindsay I want to know what are your thoughts on a threesome? Is this something you only do with your significant other, a jump off or with random people from a bar? Does it change you and your relationship? Or is it just like having sex on the side of a brownstone?

Signed, Your Number 1 Fan of Color

Xilla The Sexual Intellectual.

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Hi, My name is Xilla, and I’m your biggest fan. I decided to write you because well, frankly I think you’re awesome. I know you recently broke up with your girlfriend Sam. The paps stayed outside with you and watch you cry as your girlfriend showed up with another woman. That must of sucked. I recently wrote a blog about how to cheat and not get caught and people thought I was a cheater, but thats not true. I actually won’t cheat and will not cheat. I decided to write you and let you know why I don’t, and won’t cheat on a woman I’m with.

Now don’t take that as if I have never cheated because that is not the case, I have cheated before and I became so good that I know how to cheat, pretty much without getting caught. Also that is not to say that I haven’t been caught. Getting caught is the reason why I won’t cheat. You see I’m not the type of person that will sit here and MAKE BELIEVE like unmoral things don’t happen or exist. Just because someone thinks it’s wrong doesn’t mean an issue shouldn’t be talked about. The cheaters need a venue as well. 

Lindsay, on my blog blogxilla.com one of my readers left a comment which read:

Different strokes different folks, what works for you may not work for me.  We can agree that we disagree on this topic.  We are shaped by our experiences.  Growing up I watched a friends family fall apart because the father was unfaithful.  I saw the hurt and was always there for her.  That is why i will not do it.  It does not appear to be  fruitful and more times than not someone always gets hurt.  I am not holier than though.  I just refuse to disrespect the woman I am with, myself and the woman I would be cheating with.  If that is what you do have at it.  Also, It is not unnatural to be faithful.  It requires self control.  But again, we disagree and I can live with that.

Now while his comment makes a lot of sense, he sort of implies that I disrespect women, that the idea of being with more than one woman is somehow not natural. We live on a planet where women outnumber men, maybe that’s the reason why you like women huh Lindsay?  Well I’ve cheated before, I had the perfect woman who just happened to come in the form of 3 different females. I was exclusive to them, no other women caught my eye other then them. Without telling the whole entire story, because the pain from the events that took place is still able to be felt. But as I watched the 3 women cry their hearts out I saw first hands the problem with lying about the things you do. The first hand effects of not telling the truth. Ironically this is also the reason why I don’t think cheating is entirely wrong, because when I tell a women up front that hey I intend to see other people 90% of them choose to stay around and continue to be with me. 

So, Lindsay, I want to know if you think cheating is wrong, or is it just a matter of not telling the truth to a person and being upfront. Numerous women will be with a guy if she has the choice of knowing the things that go on, in regards to a relationship being open or not. If you’re having fun, being responsible and being respectful to a woman by telling the truth are they cool with seeing other people.

Your Biggest Fan Of Color

Xilla The Sexual Intellectual