The Jerk Journals: Xilla Porks A Fat Chick…And Got Gas Pt 2.

My name is Xilla and I’m a self-absorbed Jerk. When we last left off I had just seen the most beautiful big girl I’ve seen in my life, but I was at a crossroads. Either spend the weekend porking Ms. Piggy or go home and wack off to all the free Marie Luv porn I can find online. I thought about getting out the car and waiting for the next bus back home, but her face could make an angel jealous. I stayed. She began to tell stories of punching white girls in the face. I text’d my homegirl who lived in the same town and told her I was in her town and it was like being in a freezer butt naked and dripping wet… she laughed at me. You can read our conversation below.

Xilla:Hey I’m in your town
Cute Friend: You here?
Xilla: Yes and its an ungodly type of cold here
Cute Friend: Haha That’s what you get
Cute Friend: How long are you here for?
Xilla: A night! I’m with a fat chick and its too cold here
Cute Friend: Double ha! That’s what you get! If you wanted to I could probably meet you somewhere
Xilla: With the fat chick?
Cute Friend: So! I’m not trying to date you!
Xilla: Name some places and I’ll talk her into going out.

So I end my text conversation and finally pay attention to the fat chick, she was talking about punching some Valley Chick in the face for saying Slippery! It was actually real funny, but you would have had to hear how she said slippery. She said it 100 times. I laughed each time. I proceeded to say how I wanted to get drunk. I was trying to be nice. Really I wanted to see my friend who is drop dead beautiful as well, and has the body to go w/ the face. Also would need to be drunker than a skunk in order to stick any part of my body inside this fat chick. I mean she’s really cute, but I haven’t porked a fat chick since like the 90’s and my ego didn’t really want to do what my penis wanted to do. They were like republicans and democrats fighting over the health care bill.

She was down to go out, but I didn’t bring any clothes for the club so I asked to go to the mall. She obliged, and drove down some dark road w/ more twist and turns than a Beyonce video. I was still sober, so she did most of the talking and I did most of the listening. Silently I was thinking about how I could dip with my other homegirl at the club, and dreading the fashion sense of a rural town. What was she talking about? She started having fat people conversations with me. She talked about cooking me breakfast, and this cupcake shop on wheels. She got so excited about how they transformed this old bus into a bakery. She was so excited I swear a piece of drool fell from her mouth and on her to belly.

Can you imagine the thoughts going through my mind? Just as we got caught to an intersection we saw it! The cupcake shop on wheels was driving down the block. She clapped at the sight of the cupcake bus. I wanted to hop out of the car and run down the road while taking off my clothes to streak back to the bus stop, but then I realized I couldn’t get on the bus naked and it was negative 400 degrees outside. My cock would freeze, but it wouldn’t be half as embarrassing as being with a cupcake crazed beautiful fat girl. Do I have the worst luck in the world?

Suddenly the car slowed down, and she starts pulling over to the side of the road. I thought she was going to eat me alive. After years of meeting women on the internet, I was finally going to die a death by cannibalism. She would think I was a Xilla flavored cupcake, but it turns out she just ran out of gas. Great! We are in the middle of nowhere, stuck! She would have to call someone, who would see me creeping with a fat girl. My quest to hit it and quit it, was going to be foiled by a witness. Surely I could have gotten away with a fat f*ck and no one would know but us, but now a witness was going to be present to verify any story of hers I might deny later. Damn that Georgia cop for locking me up.

I scanned the area, I looked at the crossing streets then sent a tweet! Some of my followers might actually remember it. I added the google location in case she really did eat me alive. We were on the corner of something and GAY st. Yes, I was stuck in the freezing cold, with a fat chick on freaking GAY st. Luckily for me I saw something in the distance. It looked like a gas station, so I say lets just walk! So walk we did. It was colder than Beyonce’s mother’s glare at Matthew when he after coming home smelling like young gold digging whore, Rainbow clothes, and cheap perfume. Yeah that cold. Did I mention I have the worst luck in the world?

Unfortunately for me, it wasn’t a gas station I saw, but a restaurant. We walked a little further and pow! A gas station. We didn’t have to walk far at all, and her breathing would soon slow down back to a normal pace.

We walk in to get some gas, and somehow she has convinced me to pump the gas into a little red canister. I’m not kneeling or getting on one knee. I’m not exactly slim myself. A year of too much drinking gave me a gut, so I bent over and pumped the gas. A sudden flash and snap and I look up to see her taking a picture of me. Fantastic evidence.

We walk back to the car, I refuse to pour the gas into her truck, because there are no streetlights where she lives, and a car is not hitting me. I have the worst luck in the world. She struggles with the gas can for a good ten minutes. I take, it giggle the noozle and gas starts to pour. She complains about her hands smelling like gas.

I’m texting my home girl and telling her we are not going out! We just ran out of gas, I refused to be seen in public with the fat chick. She texts back, what type of idiot woman have you found? I don’t reply. To Ms. Piggy’s credit she’s really a smart gal. She has numerous degrees and is an all around beautiful person.

We fill up at the gas station and head back to her house. I request a drink, and another drink, and another. She sips champagne. She puts on the Hangover. I say I just watched this last week, lets’ just go in the room. She’s happy. We go in the room, and I am not nearly drunk enough, so I make a request. I told her to put on some red lipstick, thong and some pumps. She says how about some boy shorts, I remember she’s fat and I agree with her.

I hop in the bed, and she’s is so pretty. 10 assists for the vodka. She proceeds to put me in her mouth. OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDD! She gave me the best head I have had in at least 10 years. I’m harder than a rock. I get off the bed, grab my new Trojan ecstasy condom for more pleasure and we get it on. I think to myself fat vagina is great!! But remember I’m a little drunk, so I actually say “damn you’re vagina is good, but I think it might by the condom.”  I flip her in different positions, and I’m hitting it from the back. Ass is everywhere. Ass to the left of me, Ass to the right of me, her ass was probably even on my ass. I pull her hair, rest one hand on her butt, and the with my other hand I grabbed her shoulders and I pushed her back into me. This girl really knows how to have sex. It was absolutely amazing. I bust., collapse on my side of the bed. Well it was her bed, so it was still her side of the bed technically, but whatever.

After what must have been a good 10 minutes I get up, pull the condom off to throw it in the trash, stop at the fridge pour myself a glass of juice drink it, and go back to the room. She’s still laying on the bed talking about how big I am. I say whatever I’m not that big. I reach for the condom package and I proceed to have a jerk commercial for Trojan’s new product. I am convinced it’s the condom and not her. I spend the next 5 minutes gloating about how I got this condom free off my website and how great it was.

I’m hungry, her fatness is rubbing off on me. She rolled out of bed and got a menu, I request a hot rag, and she brings a hot rag. Round 2. She sucks again, I let her get on top of me, she didn’t squash me. Fat chicks are pretty cool. As she’s riding me the door bell rings. It’s the food. In case you were wondering she only ordered white rice. We eat.

She starts telling me about her son, and how she caught him watching porn. I tell her how he’s going to get mad girls, and be sneaking them in the house when she sleep. She doesn’t like that. So makes an equally rude comment about my kids. I’m upset.

We go back in the room and have more sex. I had a random magnum from a 2 shot sex session, so this left over magnum isn’t as great as the other new Trojan. I’m a bit happy b/c it was the condom. Fat sex is still great. I put her to bed. She’s sleep. I pull out my computer and start blogging. She’s still sleep.

I crawl back in bed and wake her up. I want to have more fat sex. It’s like my new toy. She refuses to give me head though. I’m a bit upset I was going to let her do it until I popped off in her mouth. I realize I have another one of those new condoms in my pocket. We have more sex, and it’s the condom again. Fat sex is even better.

She has an orgasm, I don’t. She has another orgasm, I don’t. I want head so I pull the condom off she refuses to suck, again. I’m left with a hard on and no more condoms. She goes to sleep. I wake up, I have to be out of there by nine, she’s not waking up to cook my breakfast. I think to myself I can get used to fat sex, I might not have to hit and quit it. She’s not the same. She starts to cook, but only for me. I have this weird rule, I don’t eat if other people aren’t going to eat with me. Especially if they cook, so I say I’ll get something on the way.

During the ride back she doesn’t run out of gas, she doesn’t do much talking at all, and neither do I. She tells me how her mother says she’s a bitch. I think I’m about to get dissed by the fat chick before I have the chance to diss her first. I don’t like her attitude, she’s gonna get cut off as soon as I get back home.Then I remember her acting funny might actually be a good thing. I get home and I don’t text or call. I see her online about a week later and this is our exact conversation.

Xilla: hi
Fat Chick: Hi
9:56 PM
Xilla: how you been? i just wanted to reach out to you. see how you were doing.
9:57 PM
Fat Chick: I am wonderful, thank u
Xilla: coolio im doing pretty good too.
9:58 PM
Fat Chick: That’s great
Xilla: you’re great.
Fat chick: Thanks
(I forget I actually hit her up)
8 minutes
10:07 PM
Fat chick: Is that all u wanted??
Xilla: i want you on top of me…damn chinese food came and ruined it
10:08 PM
Fat Chick: Well that will probably not happen anymore. Sorry
10:09 PM
Xilla: lol why?
Fat Chick: That’s funny?
Xilla: a little. but why? im curious.
10:10 PM
Fat Chick: I was just not that into u once u got there. I really don’t know what it is Sorry
Xilla: its cool. i know the feeling.
10:12 PM
Fat Chick: Anything else?
Xilla: nope!
10:13 PM
Xilla: I just aint want to be the one to f*ck and bounce, but im glad you’re the bad guy in this.
Fat Chick: Lol, I am not the bad guy.

That was the last time I talked to her, IM’d her or texted her. So there you have it. Xilla got dissed by a fat chick, who looked him up and sent him letter while he was in jail. One thing I learned is that fat sex is pretty damn good when you have those new condoms on. #OnToTheNextOne