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167 Reasons The Educated Black Woman Will Remain Lonely
Posted in Relationships on 12. Nov, 2009
Photo of Model Sha Caramel
The other day there was a hail storm of comments on my blog post, the educated black woman doesn’t get enough sex. It seems like for the first time I have to clarify exactly what I mean. Not because I was wrong, I feel like I’m 100% right, but rather because the the inability for smart black women to open their minds. Allow me to explain.
We all know that its hard for people to find someone who will truly treat them right, but I feel like there is a lot of truth to what I wrote, but you must understand I use humor and sex to make a point. It may be extreme, but in SOME cases its very true. While it may not fit to all, it definitely fits to a lot of women in corporate america. For example I wrote ” successful black woman aren’t made of sugar and spice and everything nice. They have some evil in them.” If any of you women who objected to this statement will sit here and tell me that, Black woman have it easy in the world I might Chris Brown you and make a youtube apology in a blue bow tie and funny looking orange shirt. Black women have to work 100 times harder than their counterparts for less pay, while doing double the work. So in most cases finding time for love is very hard. Especially when all most men want to do is high five a vagina with their penis. So instead of taking the risk to get to know someone they ignore people and may miss a chance to find love.
Also in the comment sections I explained that more women should build their men up, instead of hoping to find a successful black man to match their success. One reader ever wrote “Why must a woman help you build your career to me that sounds like a lack of ambition and drive. BE A MAN. make your own way and for alot of black men they dont want to reach a education black womans expectations because they consider it too high to NOT HAVE BABYMOMAS, value family in the true sense, have a education (or be cultured) and to have your own good income and things..if black women can go out here and be educated,smart,have their own, and not feed into this recent black phenomena of baby mama culture, then of course we are gonna expect the same of out our men…black men need to get it together!”
First off this is why a lot BLACK women successful or not will never find a good man b/c they refuse to help each other out. Love is about helping one another, sharing and making the person you love better. It should be an equal partnership regardless of who makes more money. If the guy makes more money the wouldn’t should still be an equal partner in the relationship. Whether it’s cooking or cleaning or giving the man some he considers valuable. It could simply be her time, but still. Same goes for a man, if a man doesn’t make as much as his woman he should provide her w/ something she considers valuable. Be it his protection, cooking cleaning taking out the trash! Whatever. Also when you’re in a relationship shouldn’t we help each other out in every aspect of our lives if we can? If I know my wife is a painter and I come across someone who paints, I’m gonna recommend my wife. If she works customer service and I hear of another job paying more w/ a better opportunity I’m going to let her know.
It would appear that some women & men would just sit there and do nothing b/c their boo didn’t go out and get it them self. I have seen this happen before couples together and neither one of them are making each other better. I feel like couples like this are DOOMED!
Also the article stated some things about being a baby momma. No one ever said women should ONLY be baby momma’s what I tried to say is that women shouldn’t let their fears or value of their beings to be more than a baby momma get in the way of them finding love. We should place our heart higher on our to do list. We should cherish love and respect it, and if you get a little nookie along the way so be it. More Vehicular Feliatio for all. That doesn’t mean to get a guy you have to suck him off while he’s driving the car. It means that you shouldn’t feel like you’re too good to do certain things b/c of your status or b/c you’re a lady with class!
I feel like a lot of times women are too hard on them selves w/ these standards and rules for who they will and will not be with, talk to or give their number too. Who knows the guy who works at Micky D’s today could be the next CEO of the company. Don’t cut off someone on the path to greatness before they get great. Last year I was homeless, this year I’m in a much better situation, able to go where ever, whenever, I want when I want. Able to say hey I’ll pay your rent momma, alright sis, I’ll pay your phone bill, pay child support and still buy all my friends drinks at the bar. I mean I could save the money and be selfish. But, I like going to $$$$ restaurants with a woman I may or may not sleep with, because I refuse to not allow myself to have fun. I stunt hard b/c I’m not promised tomorrow.
Xilla The Sexual Intellectual.
PS, Don’t mind the title… I just said that to get you mad!! **Ma$e voice**
hey xilla 1st time leaving a comment. i read that blog the other day and i spent that rest of the time watching the comments go up and i was like how could these women not get what you were trying to say. but now after reading this it makes a lot more sense us women let our anger take over us and keep us from thinking straigt dont blame us. love the site keep it up
LMAO Forreal though…that title pissed me the f*ck off…
Very valid points! Will keep in mind…so many angles to this issue…great way for Black males/females to communicate more and find common ground…Keep up the good work!
I agree with EVERYTHING you're saying. As a black woman I feel that black women have been in a state of denial and despair for too long and need a wake up call and maybe you're the man to reach the masses because when I as a black woman start talking about stuff like this I get the mean girl sideye. I believe that women have forgotten their places and roles. YES we have evolved and YES we are capable of so much and we do it well but let's not forget what makes us women…
Black women dnt get enough sex for a number of reasons, one alot of them are protected not all but a lot of them. They dnt want a one night stand or just a friend with benefits. They want a real relationship, as for guys it differs some guys want a woman who is mature, has her stuff together and she's not always nagging him for things. basically woman with education are good prospects but this time around its hard to find a woman that wnt be judgemental, when get their success and fortune they go for white guys, italians, and other races besides black. There are a lot of black guys including myself who are working their way up to success, granted more women tend to have success earlier than men but there a lot of brothas out here looking for a good woman that dnt put them through a full vehicle inspection, I feel black women need to lighten up a little bit, there are brothas that dnt mind cooking, cleaning, working a 9-5, reading the kids a bed time story and sweating out ur weave, perm, extensions watever u may where !! lol bottom line is black women need to not lower their standards but realize they're are a lot good black men that dnt want to just hit it and quit it. Women should learn to build men up, because as a man when we have support that makes us want to reciprocate in return. Im a young black man who enjoys sex, everytime I my girl wants I go like championship game of the nba finals !! Its the last game in the last quarter, I wamt to make sure I wear her out each and everytime. Im not a hit and quit type of man, but as long as I have a good woman that wants to learn with me its even better, Experience makes sex better, just because she doesnt have much experience doesnt mean she cant learn, plus she smart ….. or at least im assuming ? regardless educated women need to be more open with black and know when build our success u will with us for the ride !
This was an excellent post & it certainly gave me more than enough to think about. Unfortunately, I just don't know. I'm tired. Like really, really tired. I want to build a man up, but, I need some building my dang on self. Shoot, I already do so much, I'm starting my own business, I have a blog, and a full-time job. Now, from the looks of this post, I have to find a man whose doing ok in life & help build him up, because, that's the only way I'll ever find a man. Well, if that's the case then I guess will remain lonely.
I'm not asking for a six figure salary, killer good looks & charm, but, damn…can a sista get someone whose somewhat on her level? And can he not be annoying, needy, and have a mommy complex? I have my own faults & shortcomings so I don't expect dude to be perfect, but, he gotta bring more to the table than taking out the trash cuz I'm sorry, but, I can do that myself.
He's gotta bring to the table something, I can't give myself or do for myself. Like since I'm not good at math, and spend money like it's water, maybe he'll be more economical & teach me how to manage my money better. Or maybe since I can be shy when I first meet people, he'll be more outgoing & teach me better social skills. Do you feel what I'm trying to say? I just want someone who compliments me with things, I don't have so we can build each other up cuz I'll be damned if I'ma do all the building.
Very interesting post. I'm a very educated black woman with 2 degrees, a business woman, & a lot going for me, but if I say so myself, I'm not the typical b/c I do believe that women were created as helpers to men and after God, men is to be head of the household.
Now ladies, don't get me wrong and think that I'm saying that we just need to kiss the ground that men walk on and do everything for them. I'm saying that we've some how lost our roles, but it's now our faults. I'm very domestic, independent but not so headstrong that I'm trying to one-up a man every chance I get. I can stand on my own, but will not allow myself to make my man feel less of a man just b/c of my intellects and success. I've learned that you pick & choose your battles when it comes to men. I don't mind being domestic (i.e. cooking, cleaning, taking care of the household) if I have a man that is doing his part as a man. This is all coming from a single black woman, but that's because I come from a Caribbean heritage where woman are helpers to men. Since I was born in America, I have that characteristic that makes me want to be independent, however, I don't forget how women are to be with men & vice versa.
I agree, we should be more supportive of our black men, but here's the question for you. Are black men being supportive of black women? In Hill Harper's new book, “The Conversation,” he says 95% of sisters are trying to date 5% of the brothers.
Black men have an advantage over black women b/c they have opened up and started dating other ethnicities. Because of that, they have more dating options, whereas black women (including myself) have yet to expand our horizons into other cultures. As a result, black men have a one-up over us. Having options always creates a competitive advantage over the other & that's what black men have and that's the reason why they don't sweat us. As a result, because our options as black women are limited and considering the stats against black men, what would seem like setting requirements now seems like it's too much.
I do think that black women take a beating and are devalued in the media and from black men. Black women love our black men and have yet to tap into other races b/c we believe in black love so strongly. But, black men have seen it otherwise.
When it comes to successful black women having a hard time dating, I believe in finding someone equally yoked. I have no problem dating a man who hasn't arrived yet but has the potential. However, some people's potentials are other people's start. If your potential is where I've started from, then should I get with you just because everything else is good in you? Remember, that not everyone knows how to dream big, and successful black women want a dreamer and an achiever. That man working at McDonald's may very well have potential, but what if his potential is only to be shift supervisor instead of owning a franchise. I want a man whose potential is beyond his comfort level, especially if I'm pushing for potential that's beyond mine. He can't see me hustling day & night and him to just be comfortable. That's very unbalanced and probably the reason why we have such high expectations. It'll be a power struggle if I want more and he's complacent. You can't be extraordinary if you're just striving to be ordinary.
So anyway, my point to black women is that assertiveness is far different than aggressiveness and we need to be more assertive than aggressive when it comes to how we pursue men and the standards and requirements we have for them. We can be independent without putting him down, but also look beyond the current. We all arrive at the finish line at different points in time, but as long as your finish line is the best that you have and would still hold me down as your woman, then we're good.
At the end of the day, women look for 3 simple things from a man- love, security, & loyalty. You can love your woman & be loyal but if you can't provide for her or make her feel secure, then you're not enough. And women, men need us to be supportive and loyal.
At the end of the day, it's not about what we have or can do for ourselves or another. We need to be equally yoked in the following areas- spirituality, social, emotional, financial, physical, and mental. These are the 6 keys to unlocking love.
Hey Xilla, I have a question for you.
Where are these successful sistas who aren't giving up the ass? Or maybe she just didn't want to give the ass up to YOU (smile).
Because my problem is, you put this out here with not 1 fact. Now, can you ask every successful woman if they are giving up the ass, NO. You can put it on your blog and hope that successful women will answer to defend their position. And I sent you blog to my entire list of what I deem successful women and about 17 of them responded on your blog. All telling you that you are wrong, lol. So out of 140 comments (not the ones who replied multiple times), I know for a FACT that 18 of us told you you are wrong in your thinking.
But I ask, how do YOU know successful women aren't giving up the ass?
If the blog was to open up the eyes of successful black women, our eyes are already open. If you blog was to awaken the eyes of women on their way to being successful….CLAP, CLAP, CLAP!!! I think you have cleared that bar hook line and sinker.
I'm Lady Jei…..and I approve this message!
I have to respectfully disagree with you. That is not what is meant by evenly yoked. And the idealogy is not to be 'unevenly yoked' with your partner.
When you came into this world, you had nothing but what God gave you. You did not have money, degrees, a social life, none of those wordly things. All you had were the inate abilities to be a good person and love God as He so desires.
If you find a man who is not a God fearing man, and who you can share that love with, then and only then are you 'unevenlly yoked' and thus your relationship is not what God intended. And it will not last.
But please don't confuse a man having a college degree because you do; living on his own because you do a definition of a man being evenly yoked with you. Because that is not what that means. And thus you are doing exactly what you claim you don't.
You will never unlock love if you have this checklist and if he doesn't meet them then you dismiss him. You will be single forever.
*Not being mean-spirited or anything, just bringing a little enlightenment to my sista*
I'm Lady Jei….and I approve this message!
I see your point completely and I feel that you do have valid points but by reading the comments yesterday, those people had just as many valid points. I believe that the point of blogging and allowing a comment section is to grab the views of others. I dont get why people do this but then get slightly offended when people state their opinion that may not match the authors point of view. The inability to understand what the girl was sayin in the quote above, or the inability to see where she was coming from led to a huge misconception in my opinion. I believe that you two were talking about two completely different things but on the same topic.
By that I mean that I feel she was talking about “reality” and you were talking about “possibility”. I know, by being a black man, you want to defend yourself against stereotypes and kind of stand up for you guys- AND THATS OK. Possibility is love can see the potential in someone but you have to get to that place first. But I get your point because look at the guy the movie “The Pursuit of Happyness” was based off of. He was down and out, she tore him down and left and look at him now.. So I see your point babe.
But “reality” and statistics show that black men are among the hardest group of men to “build up”. It is a wide known fact that most black men that move up, move out of their race.
“He got that ambition, baby look in his eyes
This week he's moppin' floors, next week it's the fries
So, stick by his side
I know these dude's ballin, and yeah that's nice
And they gon' keep callin' and tryin'
But you stay right, girl
But when you get on, he leave yo' ass for a white girl”
Kanye could not have spoken more true words. C'mon, black women know this! They know that men do this. We try to date those who are already on our level so that we can move EVEN HIGHER together. We truly dont want a project to work on.
And dont count me as one of those females that you are talking about because I see your point too. My boyfriend is currently unemployed thanks to the economy. I still am with him because I see the potential and the fact that he is in school trying to get his education and do the right thing to succeed. I can work with that because we are both students so we are building each other up. So I COMPLETELY agree with you, but in the same sense- we are still on the same level. I would not expect you to be with a woman who you feel is not up to your standards- not even working or successful but with morals or values. How could you build that up? You would have to fall in love before you are ready to change that person and if they are not living up to it before you do- you are not staying around. SOrry, nobody would.
AGREED LADY JEI
Where did I say that I preferred a man with a college degree? I said I look for potentials in a man. In fact, more than half of the men didn't have a college degree. I actually prefer a blue collar man that works hard, is ambitious, and has a bright plan for his future. I don't look for a match in education, careers, etc. I never said that, so your disagreement is probably not quite accurate.
When I said evenly yoked, it means to walk down similar paths in life. I can not want a future that includes a husband and kids and you don't want to be married or have kids. At the same token, finances is what breaks up marriages, so we have to be keen to that. I've met men who don't believe in having bank accounts let alone savings. I've met men who could care about saving 6 months emergency funds or a retirement account or investments. That's not evenly yoked with me because I believe in savings and financial prosperity. I believe in home ownership, so if a man doesn't see or value those things, then we are not equally yoked in the area of finances. I don't have a traditional career path. I have an MBA but never went the career path and instead went the entrepreneurial path right outside of grad school. So if I'm one person that understands sacrificing for your dreams, then I'm the prime example b/c I didn't take the comfortable or the easy route.
When we see yoked in the area of social environments, there are people who just don't mix well in different settings. I've met men who could care less about culture, outdoors, networking, mingling & socializing, etc and an ideal time to them would be clubbing or watching tv at home. If we can't expand our social horizons together or he doesn't keep up with world news and have no idea what's going on around him, then we're not socially yoked.
Let's look at it below the surface instead of thinking it's one dimensional. What you think I said is not what I said.
I don't rule out prospects when it comes to dating because of careers, jobs, education, etc. (I am a recent Howard grad, working on an MBA).
I enjoy men of all walks as long as they are smart, can make me laugh, and are respectful with common sense.
These are the prerequisites.
Dating is warfare and I'm NOT TRYING TO MISS OUT on a great person/ friend/ etc. Example, my mom has 2 degrees, my dad does not. They come from very different backgrounds. HOWEVER, my mom was the one who inspired my dad to become a business owner and do verry well for us. It was their teamwork and ability to build that got the cars, the house, 2 kids through school, etc.
NOT MY MOM'S DEGREES! Not that they aren't great lol.
I AGREE, you gotta go with who makes you feel good and work together to create the life you want.
My issue with this topic is the way black women are criticized for not giving chances… As someone who's dated everything from stock broker to sexy Fed Ex guy, to the around the way guy, why is no one addressing the fact that even these “regular” type guys you want us to give a chance sometimes have the same mentality and act as IF THEY WERE CEOS or like they owe you something or are doing you a favor??. General shadiness, lies, inability to commit, player-ish ways, etc. Not all are this way, but the capacity to behave that way is the same. REGARDLESS OF HIS OCCUPATION.
Theres no magic formula. But its when you've tried to be open minded and all that, and you still get fucked over that makes you say, “Hey, let me focus on me and give 100% to my career”. Some people go hard because they HAVE tried everything and every approach to dating.
You look around and see that the man is not by your side helping you to build a life or whatever. So, you get it on your own. What's the alternative? Wait on Mr. Right to come?
Sweety I am not here to argue with you. What I am simply saying is that the term “unevenly yoked' has absolutely nothing to do with wordly possessions. So for you to use that terminology is incorrect.
You have preferences I am sure, as we all do. But to be unevenly yoked is about God, no more no less. Not walking down a similar path in life, but a similar path with God.
What you are expressing is preferences in men you would like them to have. Not to be unevenly yoked.
I think you might have misunderstood me. I said evenly yoked, not unevenly yoked.
It practically means true compatibility and not in a superficial sense. It's actually a bible terminology & nothing I'm making up. I can't be serving the Lord and with a man who's not serving the Lord b/c then, we wouldn't be equally yoked. That's all I'm saying.
And this is not an argument, this is a healthy debate. We can't take every discussion as an argument. That's where the perceived anger comes from.
LOL!
That's what i am trying to tell you, lol. The terminology is unevenly yoked, not equally yoked. LOL!!
2 Corinthians 6:14: “Do not be unevenly yoked with unbelievers.
There is nothing in there that says equally yoked.
Thus your argument about being evenly yoked is moot. What you have are preferences. To be unevenly yoked is not about wordly possessions. Therefore everytime you mention being evenly yoked it doesn't apply.
“I believe in home ownership, so if a man doesn't see or value those things, then we are not equally yoked in the area of finances.”
Wordly, not of God. These are preferences you have.
Just read BOTH posts and ALL comments/replies – Xilla? This debate and commentary – old news and really should be thrown out – like garbage! I think Black women know – successful, unsuccessful, experienced and prude – know there is a disconnect. WE KNOW! I don't think any amount of extra effort spent on this negative outlook for us is warranted. The only thing we can do is go for self – if we love ourselves and are emotionally available – then we will invite the right type of relationship in our lives regardless of our status, class level, degrees etc. If you think hard – other race couples don't have these debates. There is zero concern about gender roles, material things, a persons value etc. There may be ulterior motives to meet people that eventually wind up being break ups, divorces and children out of wedlock. But guess what – you don't see them spending any energy discussing it – they move on! They don't have forums created to bitch, complain and spread negativity about the stability of the romantic and marital portions of their personal lives. And guess what they work just as hard, study just as long and have plenty of hang-ups. Black men & women are no different – but we dwell on it! We waste time & energy discussing it versus doing something about it.
Blogs like these only perpetuate the issues facing us and instead of overcoming the obstacles or pushing them aside – again we dwell and spread our business for others mockery. No one is having an epiphany here or an evaluation of what they can do to change things – really!? Black men will always have some problem/issue/dilemma with us. Black women will always have some problem/issue/dilemma with them. Not a single one of us attempts to DO anything about it. I wish it could be as easy as a universal squash of all the hate. That we could just start all over again. That we could mirror all the other races who pride themselves in traditional courtship, loyal marriage and strong family. When a man is a man – a commodity, a king and a provider (not a baller or a breadwinner) but a provider of shelter, security, faith by any means. When a woman is a woman – a vessel, a queen and a nurturer (not a nympho or breeder) but a nurturer of her prized possession – the man – nurturing his manhood, his given children and the home they built together. It really disgusts me that in this day & age we can't decipher how to protect ourselves from unwanted children and diseases all while having a healthy sex life. In my opinion a condom is so readily available, reliable (they do come in various shapes & sizes – stop frontin') and so much cheaper than child support, abortions and living burdens. Being celibate too isn't such a bad thing – if you're not in a committed relationship – so be it – keep ur legs closed and ur pants up! Whatever happened to being responsible for the consequence – versus not responsible for the action already committed. If dating out allows you to not be a victim – do so. But dating out doesn't prevent you from the same fuckery if you do not love yourself and are emotionally unavailable.
I'm sorry – but I don't go searching for someone to “make me great”, save me or financially support me – but that doesn't mean I come off as the bitter, independent bitch either – I think it is important for a woman to remain vulnerable (in good way) to procure a man – to need him – value his presence – and morally support him – I expect the same from him – reciprocation – that is what we are missing – I'm not looking for a man to match my academic, financial and professional achievements – that is the LAST thing on my mind – I desire a like mind with similar values, hopes and ambitions – something I can share – I am looking for someone who loves themselves and is emotionally available. Sadly, many men – my age – just are NOT. Surely, I wanna get as much sexual experience as I can and enjoy the single life – but it is getting old. For those of you in the 25 to 30 lil Mama phase – it DOES get old – fast! But lack of sex shouldn't equate to loneliness if you have other fulfillment in your life. And if you don't that is a problem because what can you bring to the table for the RIGHT man? Shit – there is so much more than sex and material things when it comes to meeting someone be they Black, purple or alien. Blogs like this disturb me because that is the gist of it. We don't have anything to offer and that is the problem. We cannot reciprocate. We dwell. And the cycle continues. Stop putting this shit out here and make a effort for change. Deuces. – Vhe in Orlando
I was in a relationship with a guy for 4 years. We met while I was in college majoring in biology and now Im a med student. You cant help who you fall in love with so I was that woman who tried to help her man better his life. He did end up going to back to college and in that 4 years he is still a freshman…in that 4 years he has yet to try and overcome his dyslexia…in that 4 years he has yet to know what he wants to do in his life… The problem with some black men today is that the hard work to reach that goal is not of interest they want to get that $$ fast. I will not ever do this again waiting for man to figure his life together. You cant make a man gain ambition and drive when he doesnt have any. Just want to point out a woman who tried to better her man but got time wasted instead..Love the site
So in my entire post about values, potential, support, balance, & submission, your debate is equally yoked vs unevenly yoked?
thanks for explaining urself. i saw the first post the other am & i was speechless but decided not to comment b/c i know who I am. I know I've played my position, done right by a guy, supported his dreams but left b/c I wasn't sure what I was gaining from it. I think I stayed as long as I did b/c I didn't want to be considered what you blogged about but in the same breath I felt like he would have taken my soul and I wouldn't have walked away a better person or gained much of anything. The biggest thing is know your limits, what u're willing to compromise on, and always take the time to discuss w/ the other person the the direction of where things are going to avoid a mess.
I've noticed that black women don't know who to support/build up. Their discernment is very questionable.
Maybe she should take a minute to look at the man as a whole before hoping for the best and sticking with him for years.
If he's unemployed, is he looking very hard for a job and willing to take something that's “beneath” him until he finds that job? Is he taking school seriously or is he just playing with it? If he has children, does he spend time with them, support them? What is he actually doing? Does he just need a LITTLE motivation from you or does he need a LOT of motivation from you? Even with a LOT of motivation, is he still severely lacking? You have to look at a man as a whole and decide if he's worth putting some effort into. Some men are. Some men aren't. If not, move around and trust that as long as you are doing what you should be doing – as long as YOU are nurturing your emotional, spiritual, and mental health – that the man for you will show up. God will send that man for you TO you.
Before I got married, I refused to let failed relationships or poor past decisions erode away at my happiness and confidence that God had my back. I think women should just keep doing the right thing – living their best lives. The man for you will slide up right beside you. But do work on your woman game just as hard as you work on your career game. Pencil in time to “date”. Be feminine. Listen to him. Smile. Laugh. Join organizations that are filled with the kind of people who mirror your HEART. WORK OUT — it makes you look and feel better. Men are visual. Get their attention with the toned legs and a bright smile, but HOOK them with your loving yet strong personality.
I guess I'm just saying to be the best woman you can be and the man who is most compatible with you will show up if it's God's will. And don't you think it's His will that you be happy and secure with a man who loves you and treats you like a queen? Of course it is.
If we can get a Black president, anything is possible. LOL
Oh yeah, I'm not talking about what men need to do because that's not my concern. This is about women. As my mother says, “Don't worry about the other fellow.” Don't worry about what men are doing. Just do what you need to do… and men will get in line.
So you expected to generalize and not get a hailstorm of comments? LOL
The fact is the woman you described does exist but she does not represent most successful black women. Just like the “ain't shyt n*ggas” don't represent most black men. If a woman says “men ain't shyt” she may very well just get a hailstorm of feedback from the men who don't fit in that category telling her why she is wrong.
The majority of us didn't misunderstand your post, we simply let the men out there know what makes most of us tick and what ticks us off – so that if you are worthy you know what it takes to get around the barriers meant to keep the unworthy at bay.
Xilla you are truly killn me with your rhetoric. Some women do not have a problem allowing a man to lead and be who they are. But what are you? Define yourself first and accept yourself before you advise educated black women to accept a man for who they are. Have a sense of direction as to where you are going. Read about what is going on the world, adapt to change. Who wants to be with someone with that is pestimistic about life. Tired of men always advising what is wrong with women, and what we do wrong. The title should have been 167+ reasons why women are not settling and refuse to put out.
girl I read you, you hit it rite on the nose,,,,,,bring something to the table….
peacelovelife
MS. YEA J
NORTHERN CALI
DAMMIT LADY JEI
APPROVE IT GIRL………DIG UR COMMENT
Do women really sit around and talk/think about why they are single or why they are not getting enough sexual satisfaction? I think I know the answer to that, but in reality there is no one to blame for your singleness or sexlessness. Its all a matter of taking action to solve the problem. You can blame whom ever you want, but no problem gets solved until action is taken. If what you are trying is not working try something else. But overall I do agree with many of your points in this article… but the problem for me is that I think I have read 3 blogs this week about the state of black women's relationships and I think this is the first one to address the issue of men and women supporting each other, instead of the women blaming their situation on the men. … BUt Im'ma have to check out your other post about women not getting enough satisfaction.. it seems to be worth a read.
Women aren't focused on blaming their situation on men as much as they are focused on “changing” their situation based on the treatment they've received from some/a lot of men over the years.
Anybody can get dick, it's a dime a dozen. Some women choose singleness or sexlessness until such time as they find what they are looking for but don't for one minute buy into that successful black women can't/ain't gettin any BS….
@ “If what you are trying is not working try something else.” That is exactly what we're doing – problem is (men's problem, not ours) men don't like our solution to the situation
I don't think men have a problem though… I don't know any men stressing over this type of stuff…. and I know most women are getting it in… but a lot do more than enough complaining about why they are not getting any.
If a woman chooses to be alone for whatever reason, then I don't think she has any right to be complaining, as she has chosen to be alone. THe only people who can complain are those who are putting forth effort to make things happen and they are having little success, and even they can't complain too much, because that means they are not learning enough from their mistakes.
When I say men's problem I don't mean in the sense that they are stressing over it, just that in those I have spoken to and the men who commented on the previous blog indicated they feel like successful woman are less likely to be submissive or don't want the role of housewife/homemaker and that's simply not true of most of us.
Question: There was a time when women really “needed” men for financial security etc in addition to “wanting” a man and obviously times have changed. I imagine that there is some satisfaction in knowing that someone needs you, I can see how it could be a boost to the ego and nothing wrong with that but does it bother men that women don't necessarily “need” them for certain things like financial security anymore and we're now on more of a “I want you” basis?
I promise I'm not asking with attitude, I really want to understand why it seems like so many men have convinced themselves that successful women have an aversion to our true nature and role as a compliment to him when we really don't
*STANDS UP AND SHOUTS*
That's all I'm saying. I just want someone to take a little initiative, hell I've just about giving up on finding a black man….*don't judge me lol*. I'm putting all this effort into me just to SETTLE….and that's one thing I refuse is to SETTLE.
I completely agree with your statement. Hell I can do bad all by myself.
Question, when you say a successful balck woman, what level of successful do you mean? Like middle class, high class. Because I beg to differ entirely. I was in a relationship where I was able to convince my man to go back to school and make something for himself I gave him that push and it really helped him out in the long run. And when we met he was washing cars and doing side gigs at the night clubs on the weekend. Mind you I work in an office for a contracting company. Not all successful women are boooshie as you think. My sister is an accountant and she has been with her man for 3 years and he's a superintendant. And my sister can party like a rock star on the weekends. But meeting her youy wouldn't think that, you would think that she's struck up. Not all women in the office are like you think they are. Can;t judge a book by its cover. So not many of us aren't looking for a blue collared brother but more so a guy that you can vibe with. Where you business in the day and let your hair down when you get home. So to tell you the truth I have not really known or seen these so called black women that you're refering too. And to my distaste I feel like the black men around my office are probably uptight and boring. You want to live life happy not same ol' boring routines. That's why there's ying and yang.
im having the polar opposite problem…im a junior in college..and when i say i have options…I HAVE OPTIONS…never b4 in my life have i had option…3 OPTIONS lol…its like overnight i went from being regular ass tbg,,to being the fuckin hot commodity…im not a prude by any means…and obviously not lonely lol…and i dont know any other black females with this issue…but its interesting that people feel that black women are going to be lonely unmarried..ect..once they get an education…there is a higher number of white women in college so the statistics will obviously be greater…the scales are differnt.
and there are way too many generalizations in this article..not knocking…it was an interseting read..but we are the only race that is so generalized..and that generalizes..know what i mean
WOW… some of your comments are proving Xilla's point… some successful black women are on this “high horse” so much that they refuse to let anyone in. Like Xilla said- It's OK to make more money than your man- as long as he's bringing something to the table. I work for a company where most of my white female co-workers are making 6 figure salaries. They have NO issue with their husbands making less money than them. One of my friend's husbands works at our company as a technician making less than 30k. To her it only matters how much income is coming in the household, not who brought in what. I think this is where a lot of us black women go wrong. Love does not keep score!
I met my husband when I was 20 he was 25. When we met he was the one “balling” working for a utility company while I was working in retail. The whole while I was going to school he was taking care of the home and me. He recently got laid off and had to take a huge pay cut- now it's my turn to take care of us.
I just think it's crazy that all of the white women in my office see nothing wrong with this while the black women in my circle think I'm crazy and that should give my husband an ultimatum. Really? So I should give up a man that loves me, never cheated, takes care of the kids, cleans the house and does pretty much anything I ask him just because he had to take a pay cut?? Why??
I just think some successful black women should be more understanding of men and their circumstances. We have our issues too. And I think sometimes we can want too much. There's a difference between having standards and being unreasonable. I'm done!
I am not your typical guy… But I do not want a woman who needs me to do anything. I want to be with a woman who wants me in her life, but not one who needs me in her life.
The problem with the “power shift” is that women want to straddle the fence, when its nice for them they want to be “independent” but when its nice for them,they also want a man to provide for them and such.
Many, (not all) women who are doing pretty well love to go out and spend their own money on food and clothes, but then they still expect for a man to wine and dine them all the time. I was on Facebook having this discussion earlier in the week, where several women stated basically that if a man likes you he will take care of you and pay for every date… I beg to differ. Dating someone should not be a mandate that the man will from that day forward pay for all dates and other entertainment for the couple. At some point I feel that the woman should come out of her pocket for some dating activities. And I must also add that many woman agreed with me, but just as many did not agree with me.
I know “successful women” who make good money and own their own homes, drive nice cars, etc… but when you step inside the house is a complete mess, because they refuse to do housework, even in their own home, because they don't like to do “steroetypical women's work.” Women sometimes try so hard not to do things which have been historically percieved as “women's work” that they shoot themselves in the foot. I cook, mend clothes, do laundry, etc. but just like the woman who does not want to pick up after a man, I damn sure am not going to clean up after a grown ass woman. A power shift is cool or whatever, but when women try to avoid doing anything which is seen as a job for women that's a problem, certain things need to be done, and I am not going to do it all for myself and my lady.
I do find this attitude more in younger women (20's) usually by the time women get to their mid 30's and are still single the see the flaw in their logic and start turning the ship around to head in the right direction.
I am glad you posted, I wish the best to you and your family.
I think some of this comes from a lack of guidance or getting the wrong guidance. Many young people are not taught by their parents what values are important in life and relationships. When young people have to figure out everything on their own they can form erroneous ideologies.
The type of women you were explaining in this post is the exact same woman on TOUGH LOVE that VH1 Show. I love that show, and i think you have been a better host because your funny. But anyway. On a regular day this woman looks like she is probably uses her Work Blackberry as a vibrator because she puts her work first. She is all the things you described in the other post and this post. So i will have to agree with you on this one, as a woman.
Xilla, I'm a 29 year old open minded, yet successful black female. I have ready both articles and would like to comment on your point above that we should “help each other out” in our relationships. If you hear of a good opportunity that would be a fit for your man, put him or her on. I agree. BUT, what do you do when you put your boo on to an opportunity and he is a no-show? Or isn't interested because it's not as “glamorous” as he would have liked. I was in a similar relationship (the breadwinner), and my last straw was when my basketball loving man passed on an opportunity to be a high school coach. What do we “stuck up educated” sisters do then? I enjoy making money yes, but that doesn't mean I enjoy being the breadwinner and emasculating my man. I grew up in a household where my father supported the family and my mother didn't work at all. I accept working but financially a man should hold it down. I think men and women alike agree to that. (Fact: #'s of “educated” sisters outweight #'s of “educated” brothers -who typically marry outside of the race as your 1st article stated – therefore its an uneven playing field and THATS the reason educated black women remain lonely!).
In the era of Obama (hate to go here but…), its time for young Black men to set some realistic goals. Everyone is not going to be a successful artist manager, record label owner, club promoter, sports manager, etc., you see where I'm goin with this? BE REALISTIC. Black men are disenfranchised. Real life is not the same as it is in videos. We all love music, the fast life, and sports, but we all can't make a living off of it.
Also…Xilla I love your reads but you often confuse relationships with sex. Two different things. An educated sista is just as good at vehicular fellatio (smile) as a bust down. I know lots of educated freaks that know how to please a man in the bedroom, but are still not in successful relationships. Feel me?
Lady jei … you have no idea what you are talking about. If all you got out of that whole post was unevenly yoked and you want to talk all this mess about god then you might want to read the post again. All she is saying is that she wants a dude that can keep up with her. She doesn't need the dude to be in the same lane or on the same track as her, she just wants a dude that can complement her on a level to where they can both help each other out, without having to give up who you are or who you want to be. She doesn't want to have to drag someone along in the relationship, cuz that will make her feel like she is doing all the work while the dude is kickin back and relaxin.
I beleave in what you sayin Xilla. We should give everyone a leg up especially our men. They have it harder than we do. Word on the street is that white people fera yall more than they fear us. They just see the basket when it comes to black women, with our men, they see the snake. They are fearful. Ive had success and Ive shared it. Ive dated attorneys, doctors, bussiness men, and carpenters and cooks. I dont care as long as a man is good to me I dont care what he does. The man Im with now is so damn good to me. Sure he cant do for me what I can do for myself but I could give a fuck. He hustles and I dont mean drugs. He has a great mind and soon will open up a bodyshop God willing. He also does horse shows for kids. He started a BE A FAMILY Today deal and its in its second year. Im supportive and he knows I beleave in him. I make sure he meets people in my circle and I hang with people from his world and I dont look down on them just because they havent had or cashed in on opprotunities like I have shit they still my peoples. Most of us sistas got to get it together. Though we are busy you gotta make time for ya man if he is worth it you would. Hell I see my successful friends puttin bussiness first and at the first sign hes cheatin spend the energy chasing him tryin to catch him up that they could have been spending making sure home was alrite. SO SAD SO GLAD I AINT THEM!!!!
Nope.. will not work for me. Anyone working at Micky D’s after 22 age range equates to a person with no drive or ambition and lack of career goals. Something is extremely wrong with that picture. Unless you have been laid off from corporate america aka a real job/ career and you are using that as a fill in until you get back on your feet or if you are a person going to college to pursue higher education at the same time while working at mickey d’s. That paints an entirely different pic from a dude currently working at Micky D’s 3 years or more as a cashier, flipping burgers, or working drive through. Not pursuing higher education or other technical skills or entrepreneurship. (and being a rapper does not count. Referring to a real JOB..LOL. SMH) That tells me you have no ambition to better yourself. Sorry not worth my time. Keep it moving.
The building blocks need to be already present and with some the foundation already built and some blocks layered/built. How are you going to expected a educated black women to work with nothing already there or in place or at least partially built. I guess you expect us to buy the blocks to build it along with everything else. LOL Not going to happen. At least not for me.
This is a public announcement for black men and other men too. Signed and approved by TT