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“Xilla Help! I Knocked Up My Side Chick”
Posted in Rated Grown Up on 28. Oct, 2009
Photo By Zion Images
Back in February I got an email from a regular reader desperately in need of advice. He was in a dilemma that absolutely no man wants to be in… He knocked up his side chick. Although he handled the situation, I wanted to know how you all would have handled this, and what would you say to him.
Yo, Xilla
Recently I’ve found the perfect woman. She’s intelligent, has a career,loves sports just as much as I do, can cook, has her own everything, no kids, has me into different cultures, traveling outside the states just doing things i never thought I would do. And to top it off she’s beautiful. Everything about her excites me. I just have a couple problems
First the age difference. She’s xx and I’m 2x. She’s wise beyond her years, I could tell right off she carried herself with dignity and had a certain air about her. I don’t personally have a problem with her age. Its just the slack that I catch of my boys (and some of my family) my guys feel I shouldn’t take her serious at all (which is hard because of her personality) it should just be a fond memory, my family feels I should be looking for my wife and not playing around with random chicks. But I’m drawn to her.
Second (here’s where it gets a little confusing) She’s my side chick. When we first starting dealing I didn’t tell her about my girl because I fell for her and wanted to keep her around but because I felt bad about lying I eventually told her. Since we were so deep in she stayed around but stop calling like she used to and hanging around me.But when we were together I started letting things at home go.I was treating her better than my girl (I was spending more time with her, taking her out more we were even going on vacations) And although me and my girl had a preexisting agreement about what I do in the streets I started having problems at home. I’ve been with my girl for over three years and love her to death but I still long for what I had in the streets with my side love.
Lastly (and here’s where it gets down right complicated) My side chick is now pregnant. About 4 1/2 months ago she decided that we should end our little affair for good. And during our last time hookup I neglected protection. And I wont front it was sort of on purpose I felt maybe if she had my kid she would have to deal with me, and on top of that what I found in her was rare and wanted a claim on her before any other man could get one. I know it was selfish thinking but I didn’t want her out my life, yet I didn’t want to let go of the comfort of having them both (although she never asked me to leave my girl). But now I don’t know how to tell my girl that I have a baby on the way with her. And on top of that my plan back fired because she no longer has anything to do with me. She doesn’t answer the phone or call unless it has to do with the baby which and because I do love her it messes with me.
I can’t talk to my guys because none of the advice they give is logical (don’t tell, forget her and the kid if that’s how she wants it etc.) and my sisters swear all this is going to bite me in the ass and give the niggas ain’t shit speech. But I’m stuck. How can I win her back over ?? How do I tell my girl about the baby ??. . What do I do when I don’t even know who I really want to be with, I’m in love with my girl but I also want to be with my kid mom, because I love her too. She makes me feel like no other has, she just blows my mind in so many ways. But i have history with the other girl. . .I don’t even know where to start sorting out this mess I’ve made. So I’m desperately seeking outside advice.
I emailed him my advice trying to help him the best I could… What’s your take on this issue? (I know some ladies will have their own opinions about his actions, but let’s try to give him the best advice)
Wow.
I suggest he send this story to T.Perry and get it made into a stageplay and then a movie. Big bucks, and he'd be able to support both women.
Oh Damn!!! :-O
Call me crazy but I'm feelin kinda protective. The comments are not likely to be limited to advice. He took his verbal beating like a man from the veterans of Blogxilla back then and imho (I know, I know, you didn't ask
) he's redeemed himself, as much as can be told from his blog participation ;-D…why he gotta get another one?
What did he end up doing? I remember this and I still say he's an ass and should be alone and just take care of his son neither of these women need him and he needs to really take a look at himself
Hahaaaa! I'd pay to see it!
Maybe you should comment more…we like it when you talk to us
Blogxilla, i love your blog. I lurk alot .
First i want to say that this guy is an idiot!
Second, he is immature!! juggling two women knowing good and well that he can't cope. Grow up!! Also if this woman's age was really bugging him he could have left her alone or dropped the younger gal, went on with the older one and told his boys and fam to shove it!
Third, him trying to trap the older lady was a STUPID move because now she doesn't need him or Maury to tell him he needs to be a man about his business and pay his child support. She got her own money and well traveled. So , don't worry 'homeboy' your baby will be a well cultured kid and YOU won't have an iota to add to his life.
Plus, even if he tells his girl about it. that will not make the older woman change her mind about having him in his life.
When you decided not to make clear and precise decisions about life, life makes the decisions (and sometimes they are not in your favor) for you.
So in simple terms, playa, you got played!!
He's talking about the “sidechick” like he's crazy in love. I think he should go with her. But I don't think it matters b/c it seems like she's kicked HIM to the curb. She's a lil dumb to me b/c I would have bailed w.o dealing with baby *Kanyeshrug* When he talks about having “history” with the GF WTF does that mean?? Did she sponsor your citizenship, hold your hand during her or your chemo??? You didn't think enough to be real with both ladies and now you wanna choose. How bout you leave ERRYBODY alone and get to know yourself b.c you sound HELLA Selfish.
P.S. This is some HoodHarlequinn Novel LOL :O
I don't know the entire situation but if he loved this side chick so much, why not just leave the first woman? Yeah ya'll had history but look at the pain he's causing.
Anywho he asked for advice so I'll give my tidbit.
First: Accept what's going on. You made your bed, lie in it.
Second: Fess up and tell the truth. No matter how you break it to woman number one, she's going to be pissed, hurt and probably won't want to have anything to do with you. That's life. you can't hide it from her. The longer you keep it from her the worse it'll get. If she's smart, she's suspected you of cheating already anyway.
Third: It's apparent you like the other woman more than the first one so talk to her and see if she's willing to make it work after you've proven that you and the first woman are no longer together. If the second woman will have you then cool… At least ask her why she won't be bothered with you [the second woman that is], although I could already give you a few reasons but I'm not here for that lol.
You can't expect either one to happy with you. That's just being stupid. You can't be mad if neither one wants to deal with you either.
Good luck patna.
My take is he is intimidated by her -the so called chick on the side. He see's where he can't really fit in or she won't allow him to fit in. He knows he is just a side kick(fun and games-nothing serious) to her. The toy stories his friends tell him about her might have been true. I would have definitely said he was being played by a woman who knew the game.
But one twist in this story is he said she became pregnant. I find this hard as hell to believe that a woman with all this going on would just randomly get pregnant – like the roll of dice or the roulette wheel- hell no! This just don't add up. Players, don't have babies like that(unless you are a millionaire). Career oriented women don't have random pregnacies either.
The truth of the matter is that if he had his way he would choose the one he is so concerned/writing about. Both women are chicks on the side. He is 50-50 anybody's man.
What should haunt this man is the fact that he cannot please 2 women at the same time. Whenever, he is with 1 the other 1 is lacking and missing him and lonely. Jody is forever trying to creep-after awhile it gets easier for Jody.
The game of lies and deceit can only last so long before Jody finally sting. It want be because the woman is no good but because she was constantly left alone and lonely.
Hey dude, if you reading this comment – have no fear- don't worry -Jody will choose for you. Whatever you got left over -thats what you stick with.
The X behind his age is very pertain information. On what he should me doing according to his age, But errrp. Before all that. Let try this people STOP DAMN CHEATING! Cause then we get stuck reading bogs about mr anonymous that’s got 2 chick, a baby, 86% chance of syphilis (jk, kinda) sex is fun, sex is grand, but it can be life altering in a matter of moments. #1 just tell you were cheating and the girl got pregnant *wait for slap* really no easy way to break that down, and personally this guy does sound very selfish. Maybe its just me.. but like consistency. Having to put up with not one but two knuckle heads (wheew) I just don’t see it. Never have. Cheating is too much work, when all you have to do is be honest with one of them. Main objective, grow up, and now you have too literally. Lifes a hard teacher.
I agree. the two XX’s covering her age lets me know, she’s probably past that “oppsy got pregnant by accident” phase. I mean, it happens, but maybe she wasn’t so innocent either on those terms. It’s a sad situation. That happens daily unfortunately. The kid will have to grow up under their parents mess, cycle continued…
The girl is younger than him not older.. Men need to learn to love themselves and stop cheating.. Insecure ppl are the ones who are susceptible to cheating BOTTOMLINE
Despite the history dude has with his main girl,he it seems as if he loves his side more. In that case he needs to tell the main that he's having a child, he can't be with her and put all effort into getting his side back. Nevermind what your boys and family has to say, she obviously brings out the best in you and make you happy that's what matters. It mattered enough for you to purposely have a child with her
All I can say is WOW!!!! This is why I'm single SMDH
Ohhhhh Lord. OK, so I did have to say “niggas ain't shit!!!” in my head, but we all have our issues – men and women – so… I appreciate his honesty, I do.
I used to judge people who were so-called 'torn between 2 lovers' until it happened to me. The best thing to do is back away from BOTH women. The preggers chic is pist that she ever even met his shady ass, that's why she's not calling. Why risk more hurt and pain from you?? And his girl is obviously ignoring the weakening vital signs in their relationship (Girl, wake up!)
You are hurting 2 people because YOU have issues and that is an immature and selfish thing to do. That's not what love is. Love isn't continuing a pattern of dishonesty with someone. Love is not juggling with people's emotions. Dude, grow the f*ck up! That's my advice.
I wish more men (and women) would learn that. In my situation I was not in love at all. I was in lust, infatuated, in heat, whatever – it wasn't love. Love is deep. Love is “I don't wanna hurt you… ever… and if I do, I'm jumping through hoops ASAP to make it up to you!” …When I stepped back to address my confusion and work on myself ALONE, I realized I didn't love either of them. We throw this word “Love” around and we really don't mean it at all…. For shame!! Ugh. This is why I'm single.
You living a lie if you think its a such thing “oppsy got pregnant by accident” phase. No damn such thing! You really sick if you believe that or just uneducated about the birth control on the market.
Its a such thing as go to the doctor and pick an effective birth control. You can control pregnancy- its plan parenthood.
Age ain't got nothing to do with it. Its plenty of young women in universities using birth control and finishing school without your “oppsy got pregnant by accident”. No pregnacy is an accident.
Maybe you need to get that condom drawer and get it refilled if nothing else.
First of all im gonna ask you bring it down a notch. I suppose the proper term is “accidental pregnancy” and it happens quite often, more notable in today’s youth, but maybe you don’t keep up with that sort of info. You might want to look up some statics. Furthermore if there were no occurrence of such we wouldn’t be commenting on this blog now would we
As for me, I take having children very seriously and I am not a single parent.
Oh dammit Fancee! Backslide much? And you did so well on your women/obedience comment…
No such thing as an accidental/unplanned pregnancy? Really??? What land of make believe do you live in where this is reality? No method of birth control is 100% effective, shyt happens, from improper use to that fraction of a percent chance that occasionally beats the odds…unplanned pregnancies happen.
Its 100% if you take it daily. What makes it rate 97 -98% is because you have to use it or take it daily. Its not fool proof because human has to take it. I'm a living witness. I take birth control pills daily. Just like those drugs ppl smoke, snort, and shoot up always – so does birth control. Just those pain pills and antibiotics the doctor give you when you sick work so does birth control. The only reason smart calculating women know that birth control pills/hormones work 100% is because they heavily apply it. (meaning using daily to get effective results)
If you have sex and you are fully conscoius then its not accidental. You are doing what its takes to get pregnant so no baby is an accident.
Forget about single mom or married- a house full of babies is a house full babies. I 'm not going there trying make someone single look bad. How many babies you got? Tell me how you accidentally get pregnant, plz. I'm for real.
There is NO birth control method that is 100% effective, regardless of proper and consistent use. Most women, like yourself, who use BC properly and consistently will never experience an unplanned pregnancy…no argument there, but there is a small percentage who, unfortunately, will get pregnant regardless of their diligent efforts to prevent it.
Ask any doctor…unless of course you believe they don't know what they are talking about “cause they just read it in some book”
PS. the only reason the young women getting pregnant every other year and back to back is cause they don't give a damn. Or they uneducated about birth control. They don't use nothing and to lazy to got to the doctor or can't remember to take or use whatever.
It not like I had a choice in the matter. I new I would get pregnant if I didn't take my pill everyday. If you miss a pill you say hell no!
I’m not putting down any single parents either. Just stating the facts about myself since you took upon the liberty of telling me about me. I don’t have children. My comment was my view of the situation in a comical manor, which I totally have the right to do just as you have the right and did attack my statements and “attempted” to attack me personally, which may have actually worked had you actually known anything about me.
Yes, some don’t care, some are unaware of proper usage, and some truly have a rare occasion where their chosen method of birth control has failed (unplanned). Where I was going with my original statement, “oppsy phase” comment, national statistics reveal certain age groups that are more susceptible to having sex that will lead to pregnancy. Yes, it can happen at any age, and I’m not saying ALL young women. Plenty of young/mature women get their lives in the manner they are happy with and have planned pregnancies. I didn’t know this blog subject would morph into having to issue a PSA on unplanned pregnancy, but my take on it (Sexual Intellectual), choose which form of Birth Control that will be suitable for you and your partner, be consistent, and honest about any changes. Personally I want a planned, and welcoming pregnancy, not one surrounded by with panic, worry, and raised eyebrows, an only with someone who is at that point at there life as well.
I am going to start by say this “I am 20y/o and never been in love”.
Now that it's out of the way here's how I feel about his situation you need have a sit down with yourself as to why you have stooped so low in your decision making process.
Second he needs to realize you don't love them both, period. I am not a bible beater but I do believe what is said in the bible “No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other”, I realize this passage is in reference to money but the concept of love and what love is can be applied anywhere. So he needs to choose one or the other or neither that's it.
Third and final you need to right down everything going on in that head of his because for some reason you felt your actions were justified and you need to figure out why. While writing your thought, hopes and dreams down you need to read a book by smart black man on how to be a man (I will advise Hill Harper) because you have not displayed actions of how to properly act like a man.
Out Of Love,
Princess0889
@Head Mistress you too funny cause you remembers what I have said.
Really I don't how this got started. All I said was players and most of the time professional type can't afford to be having russian roulett and time balm pregnancies.
If not just you- but everybody just take a look around and observe these situations you will recognize players and career oriented women usually just don't do the throw of the dice and roulett wheel pregnancies.
I got a hard head cousin with 6 babies. She can't even deal with reality and thinking if she tie her tubes she might be another man that want kids, I guess. I say since you just came hosp. from having this baby lets talk about an effective birth control or try several. She said to me,” Anita I'm not doing nothing now so I don't even need nothing now. I don't even want to talk pregnacies”.
Anybody got any advice on this? She got a husband and most of them kids she got when they be broke up. Nobody else in the family like that.
Guys like this give the rest of us a bad name. Why the hell would you get someone pregnant that didnt want to mess with you anymore? Lame lame lame. And we wonder why sisters go off on us all the time. Shit just from reading this i can feel their pain.
The best advice i can give is keep moving. What goes around comes around. You have affected someones life and are responsible for bringing another life into the world. You havent even begun to pay for this yet. When you least expect it….expect it.
National statistics and youth being susceptible to having sex : pregnancy only follows if the you do not take birth control.
They reason the young and the older having babies is cause they gambling with the eyes of fate. Thinking I might not get pregnant if I take this chance. I see it just the opposite -if I take a chance I will get pregnant.
I used to set my alarm clock at home and on my watch: kept an extra pack of pills on me at all times and at home, kept a dairy, or inventory- I didn't have a choice in the matter. But now I just think -ooh I need my pill. I keep reminders insight as well. I use to have 2 drs. prescribed and insurance only pay for 1 -I paid for the other or my man. I used back up methods if I missed more than 1.
Having babies is not all that bad once you bring them home. I have one and I love my daughter and I love rising her. I love baby sitting and helping young women(susceptible to freguent pregnacies) with their children. I quess God made like that because of some reasons, I don't know. Sometime I take 10 and 15 children to the zoo/circus. Tricking treating it be lots of us and some of their parents.
Then other times I got to go out and do grown folk things.
What a worthless piece of trash. If he is a real man, he would tell his girl at home that he has a baby on the way, the baby comes first and if she is stupid enough to stay she has to accept the baby ,because it is innocent. I would never stay w/ a man that put his life in someone elses hands.