Dear Xilla, He’s Scared To Commit

Posted in Relationships on Jul 27, 2009

Photo By Emil Sayles

Photo By Emil Sayles

Early last week I received an email from a reader who was having some minor male trouble. She reached out to me and I’m going to attempt to help her out about w a guy who doesn’t want to commit.

 

Dear BlogXilla,

I have been talking to this guy for about 10 months and I really care aboout him. I really want to be in a committed relationship with him but he said he doesn’t want to rush, he just likes to go with the flow. I feel like he cares about me, we were both living in Houston and i moved to cleveland for 4 months and he didn’t miss a day of communication. but now that i am back in houston, i still have a desire to be committed to him. I guess i just don’t understand if he likes me so much, why wouldn’t he want to be with me and only me? I tried to break it off but he even insisted that he wants me in his life, i just don’t get. I guess my bottom line question, from a male’s perspective, should I wait on him or is he just stringing me along?? Im so confused and I’m nervous because in the past guys before never wanted to commit but they wouldn’t hesitate to try to sleep with me.. I’m afraid he will be the same, just using me… i don’t know what do you think?? 

Signed,

Houston Honey

 

Dear Houston Honey,

Please understand that I do not know the guy you’re dealing with, but I can tell you really care about him. So let me say this, most of the time if a man felt the same about a female he would have no problem committing to her. Let me break down how the male mind works. As a man there has been plenty of women who I have spent hours on the phone with only to kill time. Making a few phone calls is a small price to pay for sex. Not just sex, but to keep a sexual relationship going. He may honestly enjoy spending time w/ you and talking to you, but just doesn’t want to commit for fear of hurting you and to be able to keep his options open. It’s not cheating if you are not his girl. Even though it will hurt all the same. 

I don’t feel like you should wait for anyone, but that doesn’t mean leave him either. Live your life and pay attention to all the signs. A lot of the time we tend to miss the signs because other things are going well. But as long as you continue to allow him not to commit and enjoy the pleasures of your company, he’ll have no reason to every commit. Would you buy a cow if the farm was giving you free milk whenever you wanted? Think about your relationship and proceed how your heart tells you.

What are some of your tips to get a man to commit?


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  • Houston, Do NOT wait on this guy! Keep him as your number one option if that's where you want him ideally, but don't let it be known! You are putting yourself out there way too much! We as women usually think this is a good thing, especially when the guy show similar affections. In most cases it seems the fellas tend to lose interest because they know that you dont plan on going anywhere anytime soon! If his ass hasnt gotten with your program after the first couple times of you mentioning commitment, he's not interested in it...at least not now! You dont want to make the mistake of convincing him that's what he wants either! That's just a setup for failure. When he's ready he'll come around, until then enjoy being young, single, and being in the company of other people (other guys)! When he's sees you're not as readily available to him, he'll do something to change it! If not, he was blowing smoke up ur ass from jump, and he wouldn't be a prize to you no way! (I've been there before, and I'm dealing with something somewhat simlar) Hope this helps...xoxo!
  • xtineb
    Like Oprah said "If a man wants to be with you, nothing in this world will keep him away from you. If he doesn't want to be with you, nothing in this world will make him stay"

    10 months is a long time, I think he just doesn't feel the need to commit to you, he likes you, but just not enough to commit to you. And he doesn't want to lose you becoz he likes having you around...I say keep your options open too, maybe you'll find someone that wants to be with you then you can say bye to this dude...
  • Reality Check
    How about 10 months may not be enough time for him. Maybe those 10 months wasn't so blissful for him. Maybe he loves you but there's some things you do that aren't cool with him. How about you sit down with him and ask him. Listen to what he says then decide on whether to stay or leave.

    I really wish women would start paying attention to HOW TIME WAS SPENT. And not HOW TIME PASSES BY. Hell if I'm with you for 5 years and its a rocky 5. Meaning of and on, but it all adds up to five. That don't warrant marriage.

    Talk to your man and listen to what he has to say. It's not rocket science. Listen to him first.
  • if it hasn't been a great 10 months then they shouldn't be together.... 10 month is more than enough time to decide if you want to be w/ someone. If he is putting in effort which is seems to be doing per her words then it's him. Maybe he just doesn't want to commit to her because he doesn't have too. But for 10 month not to be enough time... i mean nigga ten months is a year pretty much!

    lol
  • Reality Check
    I mean why dude? 10 months don't seem like a long time to be talking marriage and long term commitment. A year ain't log enough to me either.

    Also just because the time aint been great, dont mean its all bad. I mean there's so stuff he aint cool with, but its not enuff to just kick her to the curb. Then stay and see where it goes.

    I mean if he don't want to commit to her at this point and time, whats wrong with that? Why should she break up with him? 10 months and you want a ring? Hell nah man.
  • You the only person talking bout marriage her bruh. Its clear you might have some commitment issues. lol we talking bout boyfriend and girlfriend, him being her man. not her husband.

    Whats your definition of commitment?
  • Reality Check
    Oh well thats difference. I read it from the stand point that they were already boyfriend and girlfriend.

    When I hear the word commitment, I think of marriage. Not bf/gf.

    Well if she want to be his girl, then shes already lost. I wouldn't make her my girl after shes messed with me for 10 months. Its a wrap.
  • Candii911
    Sitting a man down and asking him what he wants sometimes doesn't help because men are bad at communicating how they feel.
  • BeautyMarkThis
    10 months and he does not want to commit to you? you're probably not what he wants at this point in time in his life. Why wait? you can be waiting years for him to tell you the same thing. When you accept these circumstances and don't lay out the guidelines for a man.... They will use you because they know they can..... He knows he's not going to lose you and although he's out there doing his own thing..you're still ready to play the girlfriend role with no commitment. I'd move on, but that's just me.

    I have no tips on how to get a man to commit. I shouldn't have to..He should want to by his own will. My #1 rule.. Never put a man into a situation that he doesn't want to be in.
  • Reality Check
    10 Months is a long time? To be talking marriage? GTFOH.

    If I say your my girl and its just me and you. Whats wrong with carrying on a relationship? They aint been together 10 years. Its 10 months!

    Its alot of info missing in her little letter.

    I get so sick of women blaming men for not wanting to lock ourselves into a marriage we might regret.

    Using her? Wow. Hello...I'm in this relationship too. Were both having sex with each other. Just cause I don't want to marry you at this point and time, I'm using you?

    Women and their pussy man I tell you.
  • hell yeah ten month is a long time. enough to say i just wanna fck her! i aint waiting ten months for no coochie! best believe that! i'm sorry but i'm not.
  • Reality Check
    If you have been nothing but my fuck buddy for 10 months then yes, that is a long time to not be committed to her.

    Like I said above, I thought she was already his girl. When she was talking about being committed I thought she was looking for a ring.
  • bossy69
    hell yea i agree.. 10months is a long time and ima female! I understand what she's saying but im pretty sure that he aint the finest thing in H-town!! I no she have a past wit dude but if he aint talkN bout it take it 4a grain of salt...it is wut it is...

    one suggestion is 2 take him to the strip club and see where his mind at*****Harlem Knights******
  • sincity1
    how old is the writer and her boyfriend? 10 months is really not that long. Hell 10 months into the relationship "the representative" is still present....
  • i didn't check her age, but she's old enough.... i'm sure.
  • G3RMANCHOCOLATE
    LOL @ the "REPRESENTATIVE...." sO true.....
  • PrettyBrownGirl
    10 months is too long to hang around/on to a guy that won't commit just cuz he's nice or you enjoy spending time with him. It's too soon to be talking marriage, though.

    I agree w/Xilla here. If he wanted to commit, he would've done so by now. Men are like that...straight to the point with what they want. They tend not to dawdle and waste time. And they definitely don't do well with hints. If Houston Honey wants commitment, she needs to say so and just watches what happens. If he's down, he will say so. If not, he'll say that too. There will be no confusion outside of what she makes for herself.

    With that being said, I'd say the ball is in her court. She can either continue to linger in this state of "dating purgatory" or, she can pursue other relationships that may be offer her what this guy can't/won't.
  • he's just not that into you... refer to blogxilla's "how do i know i am side chick" blog...
  • G3RMANCHOCOLATE
    I'd DEFINITELY keep my options open... Men WILL do whatever you let them get away with…Sometimes people make decisions with their heart… Switch it up and try looking @ it from different perspectives… It will really open your eyes!! Evaluate your situation in its entirety and then base your decision off of your conclusion (no matter how much it may hurt).
  • EbonyLolita
    I agree 10 mo is long enough to say whether or not your exclusive as BF/GF. He sounds nice to "hang around" but not much more. At least he's honest and not lying about wanting a commitment, if you're looking for marriage. I agree w/the majority, stop making him a priority when it seems your only an option. Date other people or your feeling will really be hurt. Good luck Houston Honey :)
  • ChallahBack
    run fast
  • tiannatianna
    10 months may not be enough time for him. You'll never know. Let it all flow into place. Theres no way to weigh that out, but like Xilla said "Dont wait, but dont leave either"! Its tough, but whats meant to be will be!
  • Oohkeekee
    Houston, Don't make yourself available to him, since there are no commitments, treat him as such. Talk to other guys, keep your options open, relationships aren't everything. Sometimes, some women are so used to a particular guy, ya'll don't realize that ya'll indirectly advertise yourselves to these certain types of guys and that's why some women keep running into the same ones...
  • Wow! There is no way I would have been around this long....I say you should know in a month or less if you want to be with someone or not...but maybe that's just me. If it's not loads of fun and exciting, I really don't wanna waste more than a few weeks, and he has to feel the same way I do. There has to be some kind of spark at least. Otherwise, I could be somewhere having an ok time and being confused by my lonesome. I hope you get the strength to ditch this dude and find someone who is pumped about the thought of being your man! I haven't always chosen the perfect guy, but I have never been with a man who wasn't super excited to be with me like I was with him and that my friend makes for an exciting life! Life is too short for those blah relationships that are just kept intact for sex and something to do...pull yourself out this rut mama and know you deserve much more than being his unofficial girl.
  • I agree, RUN.
    It does not look like this lady is talking marriage. It looks like she needs to make sure their is no miscommunication. Would it be fair to her to tell other guys she is taken while this guy is saying he is single?
    It doesn't sound like she is asking him to over haul his entire life, just be committed to her.
    If he is not trying to sleep with other women, I do not get why he will not commit.
  • 10 months and they are not boyfriend and girlfriend? I would ask him where does he stand.

    Keep your options open, don't let yourself get tied down to this one man only to find out that "he's just not that into you". I'm gathering that this writer is still young, so there are plenty of fish in the sea.
  • PinQD
    idk if it's about how long you've been seeing each other,
    cuz if the brotha is ready to commit then he will...
    otherwise he is just not ready and as long as i know men, they don't like to be pushed
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