[BlogXilla] Dot Com

Yo, this is some serious talk right here. I've seen attitudes like this for years. Single mothers who act mad innocent in situations where the father is really trying to make things civil and focused on the children, but it was hard not to see the petty efforts some single mothers pull to gain and retain control in the situation. Then, you actually get a clue as to what SHE did that keeps the father at county's length from his own children! Some of it is 10 times as scandalous as anything the father did, and there are times when the father is totally innocent...yet stigmatized.

That kind of portrayal is really indicative of the fragile, yet immense, nature of the female ego. No one knows how to spin their own image better than a woman, and its easy to use the "deadbeat dad" card because it seems so prevalent. It's a tragedy.

@ Phil

Man, i hear that hot shit. That's exactly what I'm talking about. I can't even add on to what you said because you comprehend WTF I'm saying!

for some reason this comment didn't post it's from Nsprin

@ phil.. hit the nail right on the head, i almost thought you had some kind of psychic abilities

One thing i don't understand are women that have a baby dady that is actualy making a effort to be a part of their childs life, but the mother is acting like out.
When i was growing up my fatehr passed when i was 5, but even before that my mom and father had split and all i remember is all the dad bashing she did. So i grew up determined to always be part of my child(rens) life. Now that i have a son that is all i strive for but it seems like my sons mother doesnt want me their. To the point that at one time she told me dont even worry about him you should go have another kid wit someone else. WTF?!

UGH!

@ Nspirin – it sounds like someone may be angry that you want to be a part of your son's life but don't necessarily want to be with her

There are so many chicks that use their kids against the father simply because the man no longer wants them and women like that are worse than deadbeat fathers

A deadbeat makes a personal choice to be that and no one has control over that but them, but when a mother chooses to deprive her child of the love and contact with the father out of spite or to punish him over a relationship he no longer wants that is beyond low!

When my ex and I split I told my daughters the truth they could handle at the time: "Daddy and I cannot live together anymore. We got together too young and now we've grown apart."

They didn't need to know that his ass was on Craigslist soliciting whores or that I had basically ignored his existence for the last year of our marriage.

we both made sure the babies knew they were STILL our babies, but that we no longer wished to be married to one another.

Now that my oldest is in her teens, I suspect she knows I initiated the divorce and that her dad only agreed to it because... well... who was gonna say no to me? lol

But that other stuff, the details that would defame her dad's character in her and her sister's eyes? They don't need to know all that. Otherwise they'll grow up with the daddy issues I had from MY mom telling me my dad was a piece of shit who slept around and didn't want to be with us.

Thank god for my grandfather or I'd REALLY be screwed up...that man continues to be the model for the man I'll eventually end up with.

We women need to recognize the damage we cause in little, developing brains when we unload grown-up stuff on a child's psyche. It's not cool and does more damage than one will ever know.

(Mami, are you reading this? You should... now apologize to me and my sister for what you did...)

@ The Jaded NYer

HOLLER!!!!!! Now you're talking my language. That's how situations should be handled. Bravo to you! I'm telling you, when you daughters are old enough to realize what keeps and pulls relationships, they will have a new found/lack of respect for you as a WOMAN. It's so important to be the example of how a woman should handle issues like this.

What do you do when you have both your parents in your life, yet your father's behavior is unacceptable in some cases, yet your mother refuses to say a bad word about him and encourages myself & my siblings to love and respect him just as she. Now I TOTALLY COMMEND my Mom for doing this and setting an example for us of how to treat our father. BUT it's gotten to the point that his actions are unacceptable, and as an adult my resentment has started to turn towards my mother for dealing with certain things. I agree with keeping certain issues at bay from your children, so as not to taint your spouses/ Baby's Daddy/ Whatever BUT I also think it is important to tell it like it is, especially once the child comes of age. In both cases, I think the situation can be complicated.

That's a good question... one of the main reason's I finally got the divorce is because I didn't want my daughters to think it was OK to stay in a bad situation. We tried counseling and it didn't work, so the next logical step was separation and then divorce. I know the girls were hurt initially that the family broke up, but I know in the long run they will realize that their father and I tried to salvage the relationship but in the end, for everybody's well-being, divorce was the better option.

I can understand you being upset with your mom but she has her reasons I suppose. You can never really know what's going on in someone's mind or heart.

Since you are an adult now, I think it's OK, if you haven't already, to RESPECTFULLY approach you parents about how you feel (and I say respectfully 'cause I'd hate for my advice to get you an ass-whooping!! lol) and just RESPECTFULLY call them on their actions/behavior and how it affects you and your siblings. RESPECTFULLY! lol

Good post, I think there's need to be more talk about this because there is always two sides to a story. I personally am going through it right now with my girls mother, we were together off and on for about 13 years, 8 years straight and we both did some shit to each other that wasn't cool, but like men we can let shit go, at least some of us. She couldn't forgive and forget my shit, but I did hers and that was the straw that broke the camels back because we didn't have no trust. And the coldest part is that for a year and half before I couldn't take it no more we were engaged she still couldn't move on.
I said that to say this, I made it a point to be in my girls life, so that no matter what she told them they would have their own opinion about their daddy. Through all the bullshit afterward's of dealing with her and child support, getting rape by the white folk and paying them to do it and everything I still got my girls, still bought them things, still was a Dad to them. No matter what, I never talk bad about their mom, never show i had any feeling either way for her, just did what i knew to be right. til this day, she is damn near having a neverous break down because she know she fucked up big time. I have moved on and it has been at least 3.5 years since and she still living in the past, broke up and don't know what to do with herself. it's sad because i see my girls in her and i try to give them that positive male figure they can look up to and not have to look elsewhere. I don't want them to feel like they are out hear by themselves and no one loves them, because that would be a lie. So no matter what father you should stay a part of your children lives because one they they will form their own opinion about you. and when you say that you tried to be there, they will believe you.

I'm a mother of 2 (1 baby-daddy, 1ex-husband)...both fucked me and the kid(s) over at some point but i break my neck to NEVER make them look bad to their child...i had a fkd up mother who lost custody of me (to her sister) and my whole life & i've always heard about the shit she's done...as a child, i always felt like whatever she did was an extension of me and i was "bad" by association; as an adult, i would not do the same thing and torture my children w/ the sins of their fathers...today, the baby-daddy & I are great friends & I pray the same to be true w/ the ex-hubby eventually...no need to involve the kids in our messes, it only gets harder to clean up when they get older

You want honesty? Call me crazy, but most of the time, the mothers of these absent father children use the child(ren) as a pawn to keep the daddy around. I've witnessed this much too often. Granted, both parents are responsible for rearing their offspring, but hell, sometimes the child is better off without the father. Trust me, I know!

Mammas, do the best you can with what you know. And stop playing those damn games...lol

The blame game going on her is laughable at best. In every relationship, both parties will make their fair share of mistakes. But the children, both parties have contributed to that. Now, whatever problems, conflicts and the lack post- child don't have any bearing on either party being responsible for their progeny. You don't have to like the other party to take care of your fucking child. The sheer nerve of you to bash the mothers. Who else would have been there to raise the child if the mother hadn't owned up to her poor decisions? Should she have strolled the fuck off so cavalierly as the sperm donor? Whatever mistakes or lapse in judgments she made in dealing with the gentleman at hand were redeemed when she stepped up to the plate and raised that little crumb snatcher by herself. I mean what a slap in the face, the nerve of you to come at the only person who sacrificed to put food on the table. The mother (however poor her judgment) is the one washing the kids ass and going without to make sure that the child has. Did you ever consider that the child notices the father isn't there? Maybe he wonders why his mother is busting her ass to provide the most basic of creature comforts, while his father "dotes" on the child with his sporadic presence. I normally just visit and never leave comments, but being the successful college grad (currently in law school) who was raised by my mother, I absolutely abhor your reasoning on this post. My mother never spoke ill of her ex husband, but being the rational child I was I noticed he wasn't disabled or anything, he just chose to treat his nose over taking an active part in our lives.

I'm not sure if someone brought this up but something else that bothers me is the woman who f*ck with these dudes that they know aren't sh!t. Yes, there are deadbeats out there but more often then not you already know or he's given indication that he ain't sh!t and you continue anyway, I didn't believe it until I actually seen it first hand, that sh!t is just ridiculous.

I have only recently parted ways with my sons father. I do take blame for my part in the situation; I didn't trust him. He's cheated on me multiple times and done things that shall remain nameless. However, I did love him and always will, but to bring a child up in a home like that would only perpetuate the cycle. I do not and will not bad mouth my son's father to him. What's the point? If a woman feels the need to do that she needs to take a second look in the mirror and ask herself..."why am i trying to ruin my child's life, because i let a man ruin mine?" Children are innocents...no matter how bad they are : )...the point is...they didn't ask to be here...and it's our responsiblities as women and mothers to be strong and teach our children to be strong. Bad mouthing your baby daddy and not taking responsibility for your actions will only create another man to do the same thing to another woman that his father did to you. Grow up women...and men...yes, you know you need to be in your child's lives. Otherwise don't be mad when another man steps up to the plate and your child calls him "Daddy."

Great post. Excellent comments. My father was absent truly because he didn't like my mother anymore and I think never liked kids but just the idea of a wife and kids. She never spoke bad about him until I got grown to see some of the things he did to her (cheating, lying & avoiding responsibility) to me (saying this and doing the opposite). When I told her about it then she spilled the past. I commend her for not speaking bad until I saw it. She always left the ball in his court to eventually make him look bad because she knew he wouldn't come around. They finally got a divorce after me and my brother simply said we get whats been going on so end it. I learned from this that kids ain't for everyone and in case you have a kid with these types of people... move around. Give them the option and if they choose not to be around leave the door open so the kids can see what is happening. Kids are smarter than some parents realize. Its not the mothers decision unless the dad is violent or "weird" to keep them away.

Mmmmkay ppl lie. Lets jus get that straight. Ppl lie for many and varied a reason, some they
think is legitamized by the fact that the child is young, or the person can't handle it, and
on and on and on. As someone who has learned very well from my parents and other
adults that lying is the best course of action to protect someone's feelings, I have been
putting it into practice for years. Until I realized that that shit is the worst thing u can do
to a person. Giving them honesty even it is put upon them with kid gloves is better than
not giving it at all. Honestly eleveates alot of bullshit and it also gives ppl the gift of truth
and ppl always appreciate that more than telling them a lie that they must cope with later
once they find out the truth. Communication is the key to every relationship...so be honest
with one another. It will make for a much better life.