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Dear Xilla: Running Red Lights
Posted in Relationships, Xilla on on 12. May, 2009
Yesterday, I got an email from a faithful reader who was seeking advice. A lot of times I just simply answer their question, but this one deserves it’s own blog. Check out what she needs help with.
Hey Xilla!!!
I read your blog everyday without fail I wonder if you can help me out on a situation…..Ok first things first I have a brain tumor that constantly keeps me having a period, day after day, month after month etc. I stop for about a week out of maybe two months. I am going to the doctor and so far no kind of treatment is working,but my question is I am with a guy that I have been with, going on 2yrs, when I am bleeding all I can do is give him head. I know I have mad skills and I have stunna head, but I know that is not enough for him because everytime we are together he asks am I bleeding that day which 9 out of 10 times the answer is yes.
I really care about him, but I don’t have a title with him (which is the subject of one of your blogs today!!) so I usually don’t question the fact if he has sex with other females due to my situation. I know that he loves me because he has told me that but I ask him if he wants to be with me he just gets upset asking why do I want to put a title on what we have. I just am wondering if he does want to be with me but because of my condition is he hesitant? He does not want to have sex with me because of the bleeding and he does not like to do it when I am bleeding.
Since you are a guy and don’t really know me like that I figured that I could ask you and get your opinion on the issue. Do you stay with someone because you want to be with them or out of sympathy if they have a serious illness? Also side note when we first started messing around I was not bleeding the way I am now and we had AMAZING sex, and he said that was the best two things that he loved about me my head and sex. I just wanted to know what you think.
Yours Truly,
Miss OnDa Red
Dear Miss OnDa Red,
You’re in a sticky situation and I’m going to be as real as I possibly can. I can tell that you love this guy, but you have to put yourself in his shoes. While sex isn’t that important, it is extremely important in all relationships, as weird as that may sound. It seems to me like your guy needs sex more than just a week out of every 2 months. So here are some things you can do.
Click here to continue reading my response
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Excellent answer! I knew something was up when she mention that they love each other but she is ok with him stepping out. If a guy claims to love me, he shouldn't be stepping out of whatever it is that we have. I've had sex on my period before. It seems nasty, yes and I was initially uncomfortable but we loved it each and it didn't matter. In her situation there he shold make an exception. If he loves hers he could over look that, grab some towels and a condom and handle that.
thanks. I tried to give it to her both ways.. you know.
“I personally think if you love someone, then your love should be unconditional. Regardless if you’re constantly bleeding, have one leg, or don’t pay for cabs.
True love is for better or worst, good and bad, and till death do us part. More often we don’t truly love anyone except ourself. He can’t commit, and probably won’t ever commit to you in your current condition. It’s not you it’s him. If he can’t love you for you, and commit and be there for you in your time of need then you need to move on.”
^^^Sorry to copy so much, but that was peeeeeeerfect Xilla.
Sweetie, forget him. It sounds cold but listen- if you've been dating this cat for 2 yrs and you love each other, but you aren't COMMITTED- you are not sharing a mutual love. He should be there for you during this trying time.
Hell, on the real, if he really LOVED you, he would probably go ahead and have sex with you anyway (I know, it sounds terribly icky, but truuuuuuuuuuust…if that man wants sex that badly, and he loves you, he's going for it. And I'll leave it at that).
Any guy who reacts that way when you ask about being together is not in love. In fact, HE's the man- he should be asking you to be his girl, not the other way around.
Love is a beautiful thing and it's hard to walk away from, but you have to take Xilla's advice and “deal with reality”.
There are nice guys out there. Take you time and you'll find one when the time is right.
WOW TOUGH ONE!!! BUT YOU HANDLED IT WELL AS ALWAYS IT'S SAD CAUSE AT THIS POINT SHE NEEDS MORE THAN JUST A PHYSICAL THING BUT HE DOES NOT SEEM TO BE WILLING TO GIVE HER MORE THAN THAT. AFTER 2 YRS!!!! COME ON *SIGH* GOOD LUCK MISS LADY AND I REALLY MEAN THAT FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS
“and he said that was the best two things that he loved about me my head and sex.”
PAUSE
Good answer Xilla, she should take heed to the Move on part….
Very good advice Xilla.
It definitely sounds like he's using you. You sound very understanding and sweet. There will be a man who appreciates those qualities in you……and not just your head game. Leave this loser alone sweetie.
yea i'm having a hard time understanding being together for 2 yrs, no commitment and its ok for him to get it elsewhere. it seems like the love is all on one side of the table. and i, too have had sex on the rag, no big deal. if he can't deal with it or doesn't want to, eff him and move the next nig up. no sense in wasting 2 more years with someone undeserving
Exactly! I was already thinking she should just let this go but after reading that it was a WRAP! I think she's settling for less than she deserves and when you do that you get less than what you settle for. She will eventually find someone where sex isnt on the top of the totem pole and truly loves her for more than sex and head. SMDH the way guys do us.
Wow, that problem sounded like myself. I've moved on.The dude was whack anyways. When im @ my best i'm the best. so i need someone who can take the good wit the bad!
Tht's a sticky situation b/c the both care about each other but it seems like he loves her as a person.
He obviosly doesn't want to put a title on it, and that depends on why. I could be their age, their circumstances with one another and outside of one another.
Sex on the red isn't all that bad depending on the flow of things. Anal might have been an option.
And it almost sounds like he has the “okay” to go out b/c of her situation b/c it's like saying…”what else can I do”…he minus well get it else where.
Life is too damn short to be bothered with a guy who loves u for ur bedroom capabilities. Let him go and focus on getting urself right.
EXCELLENT ANSWER XILLA
Hey Cuz….
I cudda swore i emailed u about my situation and you told me to stick it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think you gave good advice on both counts Xilla, she should definitely move on but dealing with reality is also very important and I'm a little hesitant to paint this guy as an asshole or a jerk who doesn’t really care about her or is using her
This is a difficult situation for both of them and while his side of things can in no way compare to what she is going through and while he is clearly not handling it the right way, we have to remember most guys don't handle “normal” situations the right way so how much can you really expect from a guy in a situation like this…this is in no way a pass for him but consider that he’s probably confused as all hell
I’m also wondering if the placement of her closing statement is deceiving to the reader, not saying that it was intended to deceive, but it’s a piece/an explanation of their beginning and because it appears at the end of her story it almost makes it seem like “he said that was the best two things that he loved about me my head and sex.” is a sentiment he’s expressing now as opposed to “when we first started messing around” – that sounds like something a guy would say early on in a relationship but if that is a sentiment he’s expressing now then yeah it’s pretty insensitive to say the least
It can’t be easy to just end it with someone who has this type of physical limitation no one wants to be that guy (or girl) who bailed on someone because of this type of situation, even if you don’t really care deeply about the person you’d feel badly, so in a situation where you’ve spent two years there is gonna be some guilt involved.
Who are we to say what he should be willing to do endure sexually, if he has a problem with having sex while she’s bleeding that’s his right not to want to and it doesn’t make him selfish or insensitive…what if he didn’t care about the bleeding and was pressuring her to have sex while she was bleeding but she didn’t want to ??? EXACTLY – we’d all be jumping up and down and calling him the same insensitive uncaring asshole…
If she is unhappy or unsatisfied with the way things are she should definitely move on – if she atempts to end it and he's resistant then it probably means he does care and just doesn't know how to cope with what's going on – if he doesn't resist then it's just the out they both need and although it may seem like letting him off easy her emotional well-being which is tied directly to her overall health is more important than making him face what he should have been man enough to do
Yea she is just caught up, because she is vulnerable right now. And yea guys do us dirty, but it is because we allow them to. This girl don't need to stay around for that mistreatment, but she will and he will continue to do the least, because she is showing him that his behaviour is acceptable.
I hope she re-reads everything she wrote and answers her own damn question.
Good answer fam. Real too. Couldnt agree more
Good advice…but she does have to make that decision on what she really wants.
As a guy I can tell you for sure if a guy ever tells you that two things he loved about you were sex and head, then you are just a jump off. In all honesty, even if the sex is great, and the head is the best, any guy thjat “loves” a women wouldn't give those two reasons for loving them. They would say something else…. loving 2 sex acts though means that is all he wants.
On the real, I have been there and done this… still go back to her for head sometimes just cause its that good… never could I committ to her, but when she used to say she loved me and wanted to spend forever with her etc, I just said it back to keep the sex/head comming.
My advice to her would be move on… find someone who loves you for you, not just loves the sexual benefits of the relationship.
Cuz…..ur situation and her situation are TWO different sitations
I told u to stick it out if you weighed the pros and cons and if it's not worth it then do what u gotta do
Homegirl situation is a totally different animal
I totally co-sign to the above.
Took the words right outta my mouth
This is a horrible situation. I think for you to even question it, is to pretty much answer what you should do. First off, you need to have a heart to heart with him to get an underlying reason as to why he's “staying” with you but doesn't want to put a title on what y'all have. Either way, if you're not happy in the situation, then you should leave it. It does appear that you're doing all of the giving and none of the receiving, but we don't know the whole story so…
wake up girl!!!!!! he doesnt have the heart to give it to you real, he is not tryin to be with you but he doesnt want to break your heart and make your situation worse than what it already is and apparently that bomb head is worth keeping u around, but um if u been talkin him for two years and he dont want to put a title on it, it AINT HAPNIN!! just move on
I NEVER comment on your blog. Although I am a reader. Please suggest that your reader try some of the following items: the Instead cup. It basically holds the blood in a cup until removal. http://www.softcup.com/ I'm surprised her DR hasn't recommended this as this is a serious barrier to a healthy part of a relationship.
http://www.softcup.com/
Hope this helps and there are other products on the market…I just dont feel like googling (ps. they sell the instead cups at CVS)