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“Your No Good Father” Raising Kids With Daddy Issues
Posted in Life, Relationships on 07. May, 2009
Written by Marvelous Mo for BlogXilla.com
Editor’s Note: I would like to introduce you to the latest addition to BlogXilla.com her name is Marvelous Mo. I hired her to bring the realness that is often left out of conversations about love, life, sex and almost everything else. I hope you enjoy her piece on Baby Mama’s ~ Xilla
I love my father. If he weren’t in my life, I’d have Daddy issues and you would find me Tip Drillin’ in a video somewhere fondling some chick’s breast, pause.
My brother wasn’t so lucky. He’s not the man he’d thought he’d be since he wasn’t raised by a male figure. Due to the generation gap, it’s as if we were raised by two different women: he had the younger mom and I had the old head mom. Just recently, he found out that his father worked somewhere in Harlem when he was 18 years old. This means my 40 year old brother had ample opportunities to meet the man that created him and possibly ask him why he decided to chuck the duces. Most adults would love the opportunity to do such a thing and for whatever personal reasons, my brother was broken hearted over the ordeal.
You’d think with being raised by both parents, substantially older than yours, that I’m out the clear as well. Seems like there was a little secret surrounding me all of my life. When I was 15 or 16 I found out that the man who raised me, paid my school tuition, put cloths on my back, food on my table and showed me that men weren’t full of shit wasn’t my biological father. Apparently EVERYBODY knew but me. So, here are two adults of different ages raised by the same woman asking the same questions: Why didn’t my father want to be there? How the hell could this happen more than once! We’re both giving mom the side eye, naturally.
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I never agree with a parent bad mouthing the absent parent at all. I have fully bent over backwards to foster a relationship between my son and his father. Didn't work. At some point, my son will ask questions and I intend to have an age appropriate conversation regarding our family. At no point will I say his father was a no good (explicative) but I will be honest with him when he's old enough to fully understand the words that I am saying. I can't and won't even know the void and pain he will feel not having his father around because I grew up with my dad, but i wouldn't want to compound matters by berating his father.
I think that while you're addressing this issue, you should also address the fact that thier bitterness or anger and resentment is a product of the daily stressors and frustrations experienced by a single parent. While I am in no way excusing their actions, I can see where the words are coming from and as I shake my head as such disrespect, I still feel empathy for these women. Life truly aint no crystal stair
I can empathize with these women to a certain point. Being raised by my mother I've seen how truly difficult it is to parent by yourself. Men and Women have to start making better choices on who we choose to have children, start a family with. When things go bad, then he/she was no damn good; when the truth is they probably wasn't any damn good to begin with. Congrats on the new position(No Sexual Harrassment!!)lol and great piece.
Man…I totally agree. I never talked greasy about my son's father(to him) or around him. I encourage his dad to be a part of his life although he hasn't really truly reached out to my son smh. But it's ok, he understands everything because I chose to be honest with him about how things are and about our family and I think he'll appreciate not hearing folks talk behind his back and finding out family dirt later in life. I feel like too many peeps these days have obvious daddy issues and complexes about males smh. It took two willing people to make a baby so ladies, u didn't always think he was a bum. And it helps no one to bad mouth your kids father.
Hey Mo,
Interesting. My dad wasn't there and I am a baby mama.My daughter's father was trife as the day is long. He missed the first two years of his life b/c he was mad that I didn't want to let him treat me like dirt. However, kids are smart. And what I gradually saw was my baby asking about her daddy. I'm not sure that I always said the right thing. I just said that her daddy loved her. I had to tell family members not to speak negatively about him in front of her. Luckily in my situ, homie had a come to Jesus moment, went to counseling and is back in her life. We are also in a relationship. However, if my shit w/him should crumble again, the most imp thing is that he knows that bouncing on his child is hurtful.
I agree w/you Mo, baby mamas should be responsible w/words. I think many single moms look at kids as confidantes. However, the job of a single mom is often difficult and thankless. However, where's your indictment of all the losers that bounce on kids. I do not hear you going as hard with them. And just like it is not OK for moms to be irresponsible w/words, it's not OK for dudes to leave all that on the moms. I understand that women are held to a higher standard, I just think that single moms also deserve a little bit of praise.
I was raised by a single mother and by one of my mother's sisters and never over the course of my life and to date (I'm 25 now) they never said a negative word about my father, who was a married man with several children outside of his marriage. I have several older sisters from my father and nieces and nephews my age or older from those sisters. Now I'm trying to establish relationships and meet this other side of my family. My mother and my aunt left myself and my older brother to draw our own conclusions about the man who's our father.
I do often wonder what it would be like if he'd been a more active part of my life and I feel part of my mindset about men and relationships have been a direct result of my lack of a relationship with my father. Even with the limited interactions I do have with him, has left me disappointed a lot. Hence, I don't build much expectations when getting to know a man, that why I don't end up disappointed.
I got pregnant with my son when i was 17. His father and i didn't know each other beyond the sheets. Had he disappeared it would have to been expected. He didn't disappear, he got arrested . i didn't do the child support thing, i did what a mother does.
Our son is six now and as far as parent would go…we do our best collectively. My son's father grew up w/o his father so he had a great example of what NOT to do. Truthfully, we dont even like each other…but thats not for my son to know. We take great stride i not bad mouthing each other in the child's presence or even arguing (although at this point we no longer argue).
I say all this to say that i grew up without the luxury of having either parent. I was shuffled through the foster care system until age 21. I harbored alot of bad feelings toward my mother for her lack of parenting. About 6 months ago, i went looking for my father. Honestly, I dont even know why, when you go looking for problems…you usually find them.
I hate my mother even more because of what i found out about my father…first he's deceased..and my mother fought to deny him custodial rights even though she wasn't on her shit, i was crestfallen…..as if all of that bad new wasnt enough….i found out he wasn't even my biological father, so im right back at square one. Alone and lost.
I compromise and i bend alot when it comes to my son's father because i dont want my son to experience even a fraction of what i did, and if more females were less selfish and understood that it isn't about them in the least…they may be able to save their child future emotional state.
Wow! I must say my daddie was there since the doc said 'its a girl; for me and all my siblings. I could not imagine my life without my father being there. To see the connection my parents shared for more that 27 years (until my dad passed). To know what a real man is, to be taught life's lesson from my dad. Those are probably the reasons I do not accept less from a man.
And my siblings are all married and none have children outside of the marriage. I am waiting to be married before children, and will not have it any other way.
And isn't it the a situation that mother's can control? Not blaming, but just asking. I know plenty of women who talk maaad greasy about their child's father; but didn't YOU make that choice. I know if I lay down with a man, he better be a man, and not a boy. But again, that is a decision that I make. And shouldn't you know that man you are laying with prior to having sex with him. I digress.
And just because one is a father, does not make them a daddy.
Wish you the best with that.
“His father and i didn't know each other beyond the sheets.”
WOW!!! At 17 I was planning my graduation and lining my fridge up with acceptance letters to college. Sex was the farthest thing from my mind.
Just out of curiosity, how could one have sex AND create a child with a man they barely know?
I totally agree with your post. What I will say is, it seems like more people in our generation are more comfortable with the idea of having children than being married/creating a family within which to have children. While yes, I believe one shouldn't have children before/outside marriage, what's most important is the concept of FAMILY. Lots of ppl in our generation don't seem to have it.
Child-rearing is no longer seen as one's most important job- it is becoming something that just “happens”. We cannot be so casual about pregnancy. There are ways to avoid having children before abortion is considered an option. There are ways to avoid having a child with a no-good man– don't share your body with him or use protection if you decide to do so.
There are ways to avoid having kids with a woman who is no good- find a good women to be with or wrap it up!
If one does NOT want to have children, she will not. BC, condoms, morning after pill, abortion (if you let it get that far) are all options for the woman who slipped up but is certain she doesn't want kids before she's ready.
If a man does NOT want to have children, he will wrap it up and not trust any woman who says she's on BC because he knows the consequences.
It's really that simple.
What's the statistic? Approx 75% of Black American children are born out of wedlock. That is a serious problem!!!! We need people to start appreciating family, the Black Family, and understanding it's importance. We need to understand the roles men and women play within the family and they shape their children. THEN folks will start taking a good look at who they decide to have kids with.
When ppl think it's okay to have a child with a person, they should have no problem thinking that is a person they can be committed to for the rest of their lives. If you can't do that…there are ways to actively avoid pregnancy. Employ them.
——-
But just to touch on the topic at hand, I was raised by a single-mother and she never bad-mouthed my pops. When I got older and started asking real questions she gave me real answers, but she didn't tarnish my image of black men. She filled me with so much love, I didn't have daddy issues. She let me know when the time is right I will find a good guy with whom to begin my family. And that's all I could ask for.
Also, it was a big help that although my dad was foul, all the men in my family are stand-up gentlemen and definitely filled the role when necessary.
I'm sorry you had to experience such a tumultuous child hood. My heart goes out to you. After reading what you wrote it makes think about the saying “that which does not kill you will only make you stronger.” You are stronger now and have been Blessed with a son. You are not alone or lost. It is in times like these when God carries you. He does not give us more than we can bare. You can do it. Your son is depending on you and I know you will not let him down. Peace & Blessings to you and yours.
I understand where your coming from i guess. I started college 3 months before my 17th birthday, i was living on my own…i thought i was unstoppable. Mont (my sons father) and I weren't thinking about the future ramifications, only of the act. Even after i found out that i was knocked up and we decided to have the baby…because of our lack of proper parenting we didnt understand the responsibility of parenting. I decided to have my son because at that point i wanted to be loved.
Lady…..your question seems extremely judgmental.
It's wonderful that you can look back on what happened so introspectively and honestly.
Things do happen, and we learn from our experiences. Your son will benefit from your love, strength, and honesty, and his father's presence and love.
@ Lady…you question seems extremely judgemental
Seems or is? And who am I to judge. I have an opinion based on your response. And whether good, bad, or indifferenct, that is MY opinion. And it can never be wrong.
And live in a glass house, albeit not in your neighborhood but a glasshouse nonetheless. (And what I mean by that it, I have my own issues that may not have been socially accepted as well, not being a teenage mother, but another situation).
My basic point is how does one get into this type of situation when at 17, by your own admission, “i thought i was unstoppable. Mont (my sons father) and I weren't thinking about the future ramifications, only of the act.”, therefore contrinuting to the exact situation you found yourself in.
And how can I judge when you have laid out the facts for me.
Would you say this is a direct correlation between you not having a father around and you becoming a single parent?
Bad mouthing a child's father does nothing but destroy that child's self esteem
And honestly you don't even have to bad mouth him, kids grow up fast and begin to see for themselves what's what…if he ain't shyt they will soon realize it
My dau had very limited contact with her father (his doing) and when she started going thru her “I miss my daddy” stage, I was like (to myself) “miss what? that nigga ain't even around” but I held my tongue and soon realized that she was only missing the “idea” of him
She grew up and pretty much got over it without any interference from me. He recently started reaching out to her and now I sit in amazement as she talks about how thirsty he is wanting to have a relationship, I see her rolling her eyes as she sends his calls to voicemail and gives me the “call me” signal while she's trapped on a call with him and wants to end it…
I don't allow her to be outright disrespectful of him but she sees him for what he is…that he never had time for her or cared about her and she is suspicious of his motives even now. She only tolerates his involvement because she has a heart and he's so pitiful and it also puts/keeps her in contact with her siblings and cousins…
You are so right about what prompts some of these single mothers to go the negative route…
There is nothing more painful than busting your ass to provide everything for your child in every aspect and then have them cry for or be giddy beyond words at the sight of someone who shows up only once in awhile…often empty handed
By no means is it right but for some it's too overwhelming to do all that they do as a single mom and still remain positive knowing that they have to share equal space in their kids heart with someone who has only provided DNA
My mom and dad were in a forever on again off again relationship. They fought all the time but my dad was there until my mom wouldnt let him be. Some women CAN'T accept that the man doesnt want them and therefore hold the kids hostage or use them as a bargaining tool. When my mom left my father I was 11, so I knew that he loved me and wanted to be there for me. She constantly bad mouthed him and didnt want me to call him or see him. All that did is make me wanna stay in contact even more.
I see women bad mouth their childrens fathers constantly, in front of the children! How stupid. I dont care if the father is MIA for 10 years, you dont tell a child that their parent doesnt love them.
Hi all. I never comment on this site but this topic right here hit me. I was fortunate to have my dad in my life. Mom was the one who abandoned me but somehow managed to raise the other 4 children she has. Dad was in my life but it was difficult growing up with him. Because of his example, I've chosen horrible men(thank goodness I was smart enough not to have children by any of them). The past men in my life mistreated me and I accepted it because I thought it was normal. I'm on a different path now.
Dad was a womanizer. And they're were times I felt like I should've gotten the attention he was giving his girlfriends. We hardly communicated, our relationshiop was toxic, so emotionally I was a wreck. I have daddy and mommy issues. Mom should have been there for me. Dad should have provided me with a nurturing home instead of running around with different women.
Dad and I are very close now because I'm older and live on my own. But, this year I made a promise to myself to let go of all ill feelings towards my parents by writing them a letter and hopefully that will lead to all the answers I've always wanted. I want to put this behind me and build better relationships with both Mom and Dad.
Oh yeah… Dad always told me I was just like my mother. I had no clue what he meant cuz I barely knew her then and hardly know her now. But the tone he used wasn't pleasant, so in my mind whatever I did to remind him of her wasn't good at all. In fact nothing I did was good enough. Ok I'm end here.
@ Kingsmomma
Well, our society hones in on the struggles of parenting, but never on how a child feels especially when they grow into a full functioning adult. I feel we can turn on the television or type in a blog address to get the full story on how hard it is for a parent these days, but never in the aspect that I'm sharing with you.
But, I do see why you are suggesting that.
@ Biggga
Thank you! I'm excited to share some interesting aspects with you guys. I am hoping to learn a thing or two via comment section and emails.
Women today do experience a lot of pressure between balancing a career, a home, and a relationship. Some just flat out don't have the support to keep them pushing and it's unfortunate. And you are so right about your point: “When things go bad, then he/she was no damn good; when the truth is they probably wasn't any damn good to begin with.”
*Cyber Hug*
The letter is a great idea, sometimes seeing things in writing can be what disarms them – it may give them the chance to see themselves and their affect on your life – face to face tends to feel more confrontational, especially if they know they were wrong
I'm very no nonsense when it comes to certain things and I realized I was being to hard on my dau about school when she wrote me a letter – had she said the same words to my face it would've never had the same impact
But please also have a Plan B, in case they aren't willing/able to give you the answers you seek – I know someone who has been tryna get answers from her mother all her life and no matter the approach her mom won't budge and it basically consumes her and prevents her from moving forward – so just think about a Plan B that will allow you to move forward even without the answers
Good afternoon Ms. Mo, welcome.
@ mimi
I despise men who leave their children behind to never look back. It bugs me to pieces, but then how many intellectuals, mothers, preachers, presidents, and relatives have expressed that same thought? Opinions on that are saturated and another rain droplet in a bucket of water.
We are all intelligent people who derive from an array of backgrounds. We know that leaving a child like that is horrible. Why state the obvious?
i agree with you 100 percent. I used to get jealous because my son's father could do the bare minimum and every time his name was mentioned my man's eyes would light up……now, my eyes light up when i think about my son father because we have really grown over the past few years and all it took was patience and communication
@ BLACK…..no apologies necessary, i development into a successful, supportive woman.
GOOD POST MO…
my comment is on, but at the same time off subject.
recently i just found out that my cousin that i grew up with and who is currently my business partner, was Adopted! i mean i still treat him as blood and nothing has changed, the problem is He doesnt know. and its crazy because I found out on accident.. what makes me mad about it is how can my aunt and uncle keep something so important away from him like that?
Anywho.. good post Ms Mo..
@ HeadMistress
Now this is something people should read. I applaud you for not bashing him even though you know he's full of crap. As a woman, you should keep in mind that your child will soon become an adult and will analyze their childhood to figure out how to solve certain issues. The more you're there for her during these times, the more she'll learn how to handle personal relationships as an adult. And that can be a headache! lol
Love this comment!
@ Lili
!!!!! What can I say to follow this comment? So many valid points!
*sigh* Thanks Headmistress.
Thinking about plan B hard, cuz my dad is not an easy person to talk to. I was over his house lastnight doing his hair and our energy was all off. Made me realize I need to release these thoughts/feelings I'm currently carrying.
From my personal experience, when children are constantly scolded about school or anything in general and not praised for anything, that tends to put a damper on their self esteem.
HeadMistress, glad you are able to listen and understand where your daugher is coming from.
@ Soulyn
I'm glad I was able to encourage you to share your experience on BlogXilla.com.
So many people have mommy and daddy issues and don't have a place to turn to as a reference point. I feel for your experience. All i suggest you do, and this will be very difficult, is to not repeat what your parents have done to you to your children. Now some people may take advice like that and assume I'm referring to the dead beat aspect. No, not just that. How about do the total opposite of what you experienced.
Your father didn't communicate with you, well you make sure you are communicating with your children when you have them (listening to them is the key.) Your father was condescending to you when he spoke to you? You make sure that your kids respect you and, more importantly, you respect THEM. Catch my drift? I speak in experience in having an unhappy teenage life coming up because of those two main things alone.
Thanks again for sharing.
@ Blacksand
Hello Blacksand. Thank you.
I think society is anti- Baby mother. People are quick to point out the statistics stating out of wedlock births are on the rise and then in the same sentence degrade and chastize the women who are taking care of thier children with very little, sponataneous or no help from the child's father. I definitely think it's wrong for any parent, to speak ill of the other parent to or around the child. There is no excuse for that because it compounds the pain the child is already feeling due to the absence of their father.
I think your post falls short on the target of addressing how the child feels in a one parent home. I have been nothing but positive in my dealings with my son's father so that I can create an environment conducive of a great father son relationship therefore this article isn't addressing me particularly but my son is still growing up without his father. The article comes off as yet another hit against “baby mamas”
I just can't ever ignore the fact that single mothers whether they are guilty of the above actions or not are rasing thier children without the men who helped create them. So while we're addressing the negative behaviors of these women, we ought to at least mention the men who have disregarded thier parental responsibilties.
@ Belly
How is this off topic? Did you read the part where I shared my family secret? Your cousin & were in the same boat.
“what makes me mad about it is how can my aunt and uncle keep something so important away from him like that?” I ask that question to myself often. I found out as a teenager where marriage, children, adulthood wasn't on my mind. Only college acceptance letters, SATs, having a boyfriend were important.
There are two things your cousin will do:
1) be angry and possibly not forgive someone out of the life long secret/lies
2) still feel a way about the way things were kept, but understand that it was done in the best interest of his life.
When i was 15/16, I was #2. When i got older and had to face adult situations like thoughts of marriage, career, relationships, baby showers, I ended up being #1. I wish your family luck.
Thank you!
Thanx – it was not at all easy…but it just never made sense to me – it's like discussing how we're gonna pay the rent or which nursing home will provide granny the best care – wtf does a child know about any of that?
Then one day she got off the phone with him and she had an attitude with ME because her father told her that I was mad at him o_O (I wasn't really, he was mad & lashing out cause I didn't want to get back together)
So I went outside and called him back and let him know despite the amount of ammo that I have on him and his twisted life I have never bad mouthed him but I did threaten him with “change” and let him know if he wants to bring her into disagreements between us we can both play that game and see who wins- I was bluffing but he got the message
It really floored me tho – she was about 6 years old and she hadn't even seen or spoken to him six times in her whole life at that point but she was “on his side” :,(
It hurt like hell, I was like after all the trips to the park, all the bedtime stories, all the giggles and smiles, all the needs met, all the sacrifices made this mofo gets her emotion but it showed me I have to remain above it…imagine her reaction to me if I had bad mouthed him
Mothering/Parenting is hard and sometimes a thankless job but it's an investment and I'm now reaping what's equivalent to Madoff's fortune and he's getting welfare checks
Mo, thank you.
If and when I have a child, I truly want to develop a healthy relationship with him or her. Communication is def. key. Thanks for posting today Mo.
@ kingsmomma
Here's the thing: this blog post wasn't intended to dive into scientific/psychosocial studies on how a child feels in a household of a single parent home. This blog post also wasn't intended to focus on (another) rant about dead beat fathers. That's what 20/20, Diane Sawyer and Oprah is for.
The focus of this blog was to focus on a person's experiences , in both child and adult phases of life, a parent communicating to their child about a missing parent. In most cases, the mother is the sole caregiver of these children. They are the one half of the party responsibility as to why their children exists in the first place. In a situation where most kids only have their mother to ask, “where is daddy?” or “how come my daddy doesn't want me?” that's is what is most common.
I understand that it's terribly wrong for a man to walk out on his family, but that's like beating a dead horse. We all know it's wrong. Whenever someone discusses aspects like this, it's as if the scapegoat to the topic is “dead beat dad.” Enough is enough of that story, let's discuss the happenings of a child when they experience communication with their mother about thier deadbeat! lol
But, I am sure Diane Sawyer, Barbra Walters and the 20/20 staff would enjoy doing a story on dead beat dads. Best of luck with that!
It's like little arrows to the heart
but it takes something special to put it in perspective and know that loving his father means loving himself ultimately, what's best is YOU were there to see the eyes light up no matter the cause
Just a thumbs-up to HeadMistress. Your story sounds so much like my mother's. I know how hurt my mother must have been to see me fall all over my do-nothing father, but she always held her tongue and checked other family members. She understood it would hurt me and my relationship with her/her side of the fam. Plus, like you, she always knew I would see him for what he was on my own. (Mo, thanks for the great blog piece!)
Lady Jei, you are def. one-up in this situation, having seen what a good marriage and a good man looks like (while my mom and dad were married, it didn't last long and she def. feels like she picked the wrong one, but she tried). The point: I think it's interesting that our very different experiences leads us to the same conclusion to wait for marriage to start a family. You know there's a good man out there for you and I can only hope there's one for me too, ya dig?
Excellent point – nothing better than taking a less than optimal life experience and recognizing what “should be”
Because it is still affects the way some mothers chose to parent.`Besides,not talking about it can sometimes make it seem as it is OK. If it were that obvious then it wouldn't happen.
Aw thanks girl! You gave us a wonderful topic to discuss!
Love the blog 'Xilla, always surf, never commented before. Great points Mo'! I'm a 27 year old female, raised without my father and luckily I wasn't raised by a scorned black woman! Dude lived in the same city, saw him once a year, if that. However, my mother never disrespected him and even tried to cover for him sometimes just so she wouldn't hurt us. I have to say, this helped tremendously. My sister nor I was raised seeking love in other places and looking for father figures. We grew up to be independent women who know how to take care of our business and always have protected sex b/c we understood shit does happen and the woman is the one will have to take care of the house. I hate when I hear my girlfriends talk negatively to their children about the baby's father, kids don't need to hear that shit. Yes, I believe in being honest with children so they understand the real. But at the same time, save all the other shit “he ran off with so and so” “call him and ask why he not here with his family”. Hell no, that's not right
I know its messed up to say but most guys that i know that have mulitple childern through several differnt baby moms are genrally irresponisble and immature in both life and with there sexual practices. This applies to females to i think any one can accidently have the first child but DAMN when you go into child number 2 and 3 from differnt babies daddies i cant get with that there are to many forms of contraceptive to get pregnant now adays
Yeah, do what you do Hazysin!!
Me and my 3 sibs on my mother's side all have different fathers. My father lived 2 blocks away until I was 18 and moved away from home. I am his oldest daughter, and he has 10 other children. He played, and still does, a major role in their life, but never mine. My 8th grade graduation he swore he was coming, but never showed. I aksed them both why he wasnt around before, and she said he didnt want to be; he said she didnt want him to be. My mother died last year, and it was the first time I ever got my father's cell number, even though he could have gotten mine from anyone. Even now, with him being my last surviving parent, I rarely get actual phone calls, just forwarded texts, and any real convo has to be initiated by me. I used to be really hurt that he was never there, and considered him just a sperm donor. I was extremely hurt when I found out my older brother is not actually his son, but he raised him as his own and was there for him when he was never there for me, his actual first born. I have never confronted him about that, and I dont think I ever will. Since he is the only parent I have left, I have made an effort to forgive him, but the damage has already been done. And even though she said some negative things about him from time to time, I never really let them bother me. I just wanted the opportunity to form my own opinion about him, but I never got that chance