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Let’s Go Out, But You’re Paying For Your Own Stuff

Posted in Relationships on Mar 31, 2009

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Written by Miss Sex E.D.

Going Dutch basically means, for whatever reason, when we go out I am going to pay for everything I have, whether it be food, alcohol or a movie and you will pay for everything you have. Many women feel like if a man asks you out, he is perusing you, which means that he should pay for the entire date. You may leave the tip for the evening, but it is expected that he will pay for everything else. While some men agree with this wholeheartedly and want to show a woman a good time on their dime, others don’t. One guy I know put it like this, “I don’t want to go all out and keep spending money on this girl because what if things don’t work out? I will have wasted all that money.” Now I’ll be honest, the whole idea of going Dutch is new to me. Why? Because I haven’t been on too many dates where the guy has brought this up. Until recently that is….let me break down what happened the easiest way possible:

The Beginning:

I met this guy who I will say is old enough to know better. Okay, I’m jumping the gun already. We met, and he kept asking me to go out with him. I was apprehensive at first and kept telling him, “Let me think about it and get back with you.” After about 2 more weeks I finally gave in and we decided to meet at this bar downtown. He recommended the place because they have a great live band that goes on around 9:00 p.m. That night I was running a little late because I had to gas up the car. I called him and let him know that I was a little behind but I wasn’t far. So he asked me if I wanted a drink. I let him know to order me a beer. When I got closer to the bar, I saw the only parking available was $10. So I called him and asked him where I was supposed to park. He told me to pay to park. I told him not only did I not have cash on me but I was not paying $10 to park, so I opted to park at my job for free, which was only half a block from the bar. Now I’m slightly agitated that he didn’t tell me about this. But I wasn’t going to make a big deal or even say anything.

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thyk

This just seems to be the way of the new man! I felt like I was reading a personal account!

But I would have paid my portion of the tab (because i'm a lady), would have waited for him to return, told him in the most respectful but stern way that what he did was tacky and classless and that he should NEVER call me again!

Trifling, broke ass nigga! (okay sorry...back to being a lady)

Nixx_01

hmmm I probably would have paid for what I ate and drank. So that little beer would have been on him, tipped the girl, and texted him that I have left. Depending upon my mood I may entertain a call from him at which point I would inform him of why I left and he should loose my number untl he gets some class. He is a mess and the problem with dudes of that nature they cannot be changed.

The Don

Now aint this some bullshit. Now granted i have never done no fly shit like this but women are putting themselves in this predictimant by trying to be to much like dudes you cant have equal rights half way you gonna run into this type of thing more and more. Your mommas mama never had to worry about this type of thing

Nixx_01

Its a matter of manners and class. Don't invite a person out and then expect them to foot the bill. Its tacky. If that was the case he could have even presented the idea of going dutch in the following manner: I get the drinks you take care of the food. If I invite a guy out I pay for it. Why? because he joined me at my invitation. And asking for equal pay and the right to pursue any career path I so choose doesn't mean that I want a man in my life that is tacky. Lets get that straight.

Deeny

THANK YOU!!!

Kiwi

I would of paid and left...
It's disrespectful how he asked u for the beer and cocktail...
And if he is so tacky this early it's gonna go down from there...
You mean to tell me he is flippin over $21?
I had this happen to me once and I was gonna go to the bathroom and head for the parking lot but it shows how sorry he is as a man when you gotta just lay the money out and let him know it ain't nothing...but he is def not worth another date.

It has nothing to do with gold digger women it's the principle that he begged her out offered to get her some drinks and didn't split the check the first time...nor did he let gee know it was a Dutch date. What a LOSER!!!!

Janee

I would have paid and then made my exit..an in turn delete and/or block his number.. i have a very bad temper and would have done some un lady like things if i had stayed to chew his ass out.

HeadMistress

It doesn't pay to give silly people the satisfaction of a "reaction" with that said do a combo:

1) pay your tab

2) let him know "quietly" that his actions were ungentlemanly - making a scene would put him on the defensive and he'll just get loud in return and he won't be embarrased by his actions...ladylike behavior will force him to face his shame, secretly, which is always worse

3) make your exit OR if you're the type that can enjoy a night out by yourself: stay and enjoy the band and/or even find another guy to dance with

*** sighs with a heavy heart ***

Albeit reluctantly, I have to agree "somewhat" with The Don's line of thinking, 0_0

Times have changed and as women we can sometimes get caught up in wanting all of the benefits of independence and none of the hassles....it's true my mother's mother never had to worry about these things, but I wouldn't trade a lifetime of dutch dates for all the "much worse" shyt that she DID have to worry about...

I wholeheartedly believe that if a man pursues you and asks you out he should pay for the date BUT I'm also gonna be prepared, mentally and financially - I never assume that he will pay so I have my money ready and when the check comes I reach for my wallet too, let him be the one to say "c'mon now, put that away"...if he doesn't I'm already prepared for that scenario and will be able to continue on having an attitude & drama free night, when it's all said and done I can piece together all of his actions for the night and decide if this is the type of guy I wanna deal with further

onebaddboo

I agree HeadMistress... I am ALWAYS prepared to pay for myself when I go out on dates. Sometimes overly prepared to the point where I won't let a man pay for me (probably a bit too independant in that case.)

I don't think there should be an assumption to who's paying. If you go on a date, despite whom asked whom, assume you will be paying for YOUR stuff. Assuming a man will pay for your food because he asked on a date is like a man assuming he's gonna get some by buying a woman a drink at a bar/ club.

HeadMistress

LOL @ "overly prepared" - that sounds way to familiar

I swear the epidemic of men just not being men and the GD golddiggers of the world have totally upset the balance and rules of dating...smch

DaRuler

very much agreed.. i feel like if she gave the time of day for a date out or schedule the least he could do is treat. that would be the gentleman thing to do...

HeadMistress

Exactly, and if he really didn't have it due to his "lost wallet" he should have either gone somewhere within his budget or postponed the date...

DaRuler

the whole situation was simply ass backwards. now he finally got the date and there's a chance she won't go out on another with him now beacause it was bad planning...

TheLovelyMsRedz

AMEN!!!!

The Don

marry me girl lmao

HeadMistress

Thanx *fake smile* but I'm gonna need more info....

WTF@ "women are putting themselves in this predictimant by trying to be to much like dudes"

Women aren't trying and don't want to be like "dudes"

A lot of men - not all, not even most, just "a lot" - are failing at being MEN so we have no choice but to pick up the slack where we can

Cause and Effect..period

Maybe it wasn't meant to sound chauvinistic but it does and its not the first comment you've made that reads that way....jmo

hazysin

I completely agree with you on this one....I NEVER go out with someone without having my own spending money (my grandma taught me that). Plus having alot of brothers taught me a thing or to...i dont want any many thinking i and indebted to him for anything --especially not a drink or a meal.

TheLovelyMsRedz

How can I say this gently... Fcuk what he thinks!!! Why would you even worry about that. He can THINK I'm indebted to him as much as he wants. He will be sadly disapointed.

Plus, if he's the type of guy that thinks a woman owes him p*ssy cuz he dropped some money on her, then he's a jerk and now I REALLY don't care how he thinks or feels.

Never let a man make you feel guilty or like you owe him something cuz he spent some money on you.

TheLovelyMsRedz

That's the best way to handle it. But honestly, there would be nothing to think about after that. I wouldn't even consider seeing him again as anything more than a friend.

Deeny

Girl.............that story made my blood pressure skyrocket! That was EXTREMELY tacky of him to do that. My thing is this----If u are pursuing ME and ask me out on serveral occasions b4 I actually say yes, YOU'RE PAYING. The tip, fine....no prob. But to be fair, I would make sure I order something VERY reasonable in price and only drink alcohol if insisted or offered since it is more expensive than a regular soft drink.

Being the type of woman I am (don't like to cause scenes and bringing attention), I would opt to take the L and pay for whatever it is I had---but in a very STANK way lol. I would be completely silent, and make slick comments about the tackiness of the situation. Then, I would make my exit and tell him to enjoy the rest of his night and never call/answer my phone for him again. And if he asks why, I will tell him EXACTLY what I felt.

Ness

I probably would've paid the $21 dollars and waited for him to come back and talk to him about it.

Everyone's sitation is different and hey, u never know what someone's finances look like. Granted u said he had 10 beers and I'm not sure how much a beer costs b/c I don't drink them, but I'm sure it's not as much as a cocktail....

Maybe tht's all he could afford givien the fact that his wallet was stolen. And maybe he felt that he still wanted to do something w/u. But he should've just said it from the jump.

People have a hard time talking about money just the same way they have a hard time talking about being tested for stds. You have to make them come out and say it so everyone is on the same page.

I clear that out b4 I step foot to go anywhere with anyone (especially somone new).

MissSexED

Ness, the beers cost between about $3 each! If he could afford 7 of those bad boys, surely he could've afforded the drink he insisted I have b/c I seemed "uptight."

Let me do the math.

My total was $21 (wings, beer, amaretto sour)

His
7 beers at $3 each = $21
plus his wings (and fries) = about $10

TOTAL= Approx $54 (plus tax)

Girl, all he could afford was his stuff b/c clearly he didn't even consider paying for my food from jump.

Ness

I understand where you're coming from but that's kinda what I meant.

Maybe all he could do was afford his portion of the tab...and yeah we was asking u to get another drink (knowing good & well he wasn't payin for it) but he should've said that when he was on the phone.

A simple..."hey....my money is kinda tight but I still wanna go out..maybe we can go dutch b/c my wallet got stolen & all I have is cash)

Dizz

Bottom Line....dude was a lame. If you know you don't have the money to take a woman out, don't ask until you do. imo

MissSexED

Your feedback is great ya'll. I can't wait to tell you how I handled it!!! There are juicy details I left out so the ladies wouldn't be too biased and be like "Oh hell naw he's a lame" LOL

Some guys just lack class and aren't gentlemen at all! And sometimes I just blame women for ALLOWING THIS BEHAVIOR. They don't tell a man what is unacceptable b/c they don't want to risk loosing him.

Dizz

Can't wait to hear how you handled it. :o)

Dizz

Enough of making excuses...if dude asks me out...HE pays, bottom line no if ands or buts about it. I don't care if your wallet was stolen, you left your money at home, whatever. I would have left that bill smooth on the table and left.

MissSexED

LMAO!!

what?

What did u do?

bogart4017

Lady, you just learned a 40 dollar lesson. Any other sister would have followed their first mind---if it took you two weeks to make up your mind you prob smelled something on him the wasnt kosher. Now you know. Not that this is your fault. that had to be the fowlest story i heard this month (and i heard a bunch). I guess next time you'll get the financial arrangements str8 first. But don't be surprised if you get the old fish eye----most brothers that would ask a sister out that was together enuff to drive herself to the date have enuff class to pay for the entire evening!

OooLaLa

I would be pissed.
Then I'd pay, and quietly leave... then delete or block him from my phone.
How low class ...wow!

favorisntfair

I would have paid my tab and left. I would have never answered another call, text, smoke signal, wave across the street or email from him again. People like that need no explanation...they don't get it anyway. What is dutch? I mean really? You asking me out for 2 weeks but your money tight? And then you are going to try and having me spending money out the frame for parking? Where they doing this at? Its not even about the money, its the principal. If I ask a dude out, I can pay for a round of drinks or treat to dinner. I'm not really one for asking a dude out but if I did, I could treat...I believe in equal treatment as well.
I think if he had of been upfront and said that his money was tight, but he just wanted to spend a little time with me or something I could have made a decision of whether or not I wanted to come out the pocket on some wings and drinks that you insist I have. People just don't think sometimes...lol.

TRJ

That is disrespectful. I dont even feel right when a female says she will pay for everything. How can you expect a female to pay for herself if you are insisting that she must get something? This makes her feel like you are going to pay as you should. Going Dutch is never acceptable, if you cannot pay for everything then just dont go out.

MissSexED

Now here's a MAN!

theFEMALE

applauds for TRJ.
you know, thats what im talkin about.
why is it so damn hard to find men that still believe
in that philosophy.

TheLovelyMsRedz

Thank you!!!

EbonyLolita

Fuck independence I believe if a man asks u on a date he should pay for dinner/dessert/whatever!! He wants to show u a good time, then it costs. I have paid for the tip and that's no big deal. However, I'm very old fashioned about paying for dinner. Now, when you two become an official item?? Ahhh then u go Dutch and sometimes treat him to show that you're not a Golddiggin' Hussy LMAO :)

EbonyLolita

P.S. Never leave your house w/o any $$ though. Momma always taught me that. If your driving you can just splurt outta there. If he's driving you should always have cab $$.

xandria

i think you should of got up an left while he was in the bathroom and then when he called to see where you were cuss him out for not telling you beforehand that you needed to pay. That was just misleading, after all he pursued you for weeks.

Jamel

A real man doesn't entertain the idea of the woman paying on a date. Whether he asks or her. Im 20 years old and have been paying since the years at the skating ring lol. That is just not polite at all. As a man I know that would put me in a bad light in that womans eyes. Even if I take a woman Im just friends with out to lunch, I pay.

But to answer your question, pay the funky 21 bucks, Leave his slow ass a note saying what a man is supposed to do, and to lose your number.

MsDiva

all i got to say is OMG! if some similar bullshit didn't just almost happen to me a while back. i was getting ready to go on a date with this dude. after going on a couple of dates with him paying without any question, on our most recent, he texts me on his way over to pick me up and asks if i'm treating this time. come again?? i was so through. needless to say i told him that if he was expecting me to pay for myself and him, especially without any previous discussion of such, he may as well go on back home cuz i wasn't trying to go out anymore. he of course played it off like he was joking and we went on our date, with him picking up the tab.

these men out here have to understand that they can't be askin us out and expecting for us to pick up the tab. I have no problem with tipping, but that's as far as it goes. Now if you're my man, I got no problem picking up the tab every once and a while. But if we're just dating---be a man about yours. And yes, I've got my own, but I'm just saying...lol

MsDiva

and if i was in the poster's situation. i prolly would just pay my share too (not to cause a scene, and because i too, am always prepared with cash for ignorant scenarios like that). but i'd definitely tell ole dude to lose my number.

Lady Jei

I would have paid the entire bill, and the tip and been really nice about it and left. Its nothing. Besides a real man would have not allowed this to happen.

If a man asks you out, he is paying. And as a woman I pay the tip. If I ask a man out,I will pay.

However just in case, if this is a first date, I will get to the spot about 15 min before him, give the waitress my credit card, and tell her I am running a tab just for me. So while I order all my own food/drinks, I know how much I want to spend. So while he is ordering up shit left and right, when its time to close out the tab, she will bring me my bill and give him his. If he goes left, then I already know; that will be the last date. If he offers to pay my tab, that's cool too. But if he pays his tab and we continue to have a good time, then so be it.
Sometimes with men you never know. Gotta be prepared.

Staljah

b/c I'm on my Grown Woman shit...I would most def pay my own tab and kindly let him knw tht it is IMPOLITE to ASK SOMEONE OUT and then expect them to PAY.....his number will be filed under "DONT ANSWER"

ashbunnie

I would have done all three options, starting with option #2... waited for him to get back and told him off very tactfully. Nicely but very condescending. I would have then paid my portion of the bill, down to the last cent. Leave the bartender a tip deemed suitable, and then gracefully and wonderfully strutted outta there. After finishing my amaretto sour of course. But that's just me. OH and regardless of his ability to hold a decent conversation, he has no tact nor etiquette so he should not be worth your time at all. It's one thing to agree upon going dutch, (which is acceptable SOMETIMES, especially if you don't want anyone to feel like they owe something @ the end of the night), but it's totally inappropriate to look at a bill then ask the bartender to split it because you realize now that you don't have enough money. And to make matter worse, $54???? Like really. And If I had a dollar for every excuse like "my wallet was stolen" or "i was a victim of identity theft, so I have no $$" or my fav, "No cash on me, just my debit card" I'd be super rich. Men want the women with the independence to match "theirs" but when she comes along, you are suddenly dependent on my chip-ins. Leave that man where you found him. If he couldn't cover a $54 bill, then what the hell can you pay for? $54 is like a phone bill for me.

MissSexED

Expect a blog tomorrow with what I did and all of his excuses...plus the icing on the cake that I left out!

HeadMistress

Ohhhh c'mon, why put off til tomorrow what you can do today??? LMAO

This is not gonna be a "Xilla Tomorrow" is it ??? you know like that Cinderella Story he promised us "tomorrow" two damn weeks ago...just sayin :-D

MissSexED

LOL....tomorrow for real. Working on it now

yes

y didn't he say split the check from the beginning when he was asked? ugh!!

Kay

This would be the story of my last three years. I just got out of a relationship with a broke ass dude. Initially, he would pay for dates, but after a few months of dating I thought that I would do him a favor and pay. Paying then became "you pay for yours or we aren't going anywhere at all."

Needless to say, I let this go on for three years, but let my heart get wrapped up in him and love. I know better now. You give them an inch and they will run a marathon.

Since then, I'm on a mission to upgrade to something better.

Thoney Gangstasweet

i love how this was a 2parter. well i've been in this situation and i always pay my part and exit gracefully, then ignore all future calls. i never wait for/offer an emplantion and i fall deeper into anti-brotherdom....lol i rarely step out with a black guy and each and every tiiiime i break the rule this happens. or they're just weird as fugg barely speaking coherantly and its not even worth them paying the bill as the experience is so dang uncomfortable.

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