A Heart In Prison: When To Use The L-Word

Posted in Relationships on Dec 29, 2008

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Love is a crazy emotion, that we all feel whether we want to or not. A lot of people have weird rules when it comes to love, like he can’t have any kids or she can’t have more partners than she has thumbs. But, there is one rules a lot of women have that really make you think and that’s never say I love you before he does.

This is a major problem because it’s like having fine print in the contract of love. I have to ask myself should I hold back on the l word? No one wants to love a person who doesn’t love them back but do you not love or just not show your love wouldn’t that be a bigger problem? A weiter for CNN claims that not only should a woman not say it first she’s teaching her kids to do the same

If I have a daughter one day, among the many things I’ll teach her will be how to tie her shoes, to look both ways before crossing the street, to never end a sentence with a preposition, and to always let the man say “I love you” first.

I firmly believe that love, should simply take it’s course and be disclosed at the proper time, putting all the pressure on a man is setting a woman up for disaster. Men don’t deal with emotions very well. We are clueless when it comes to matters of the heart. Love is like a gun, you should always be careful before you pull it out. You have to know when to use it, when to say it, and when to allow it to rear it’s beautiful face in a situation. Here is where the writer and I agree.

But an “I love you” uttered too soon, before the man has processed his feelings and reached the same level of adoration could end a relationship that just as easily could have had an eternal shelf life. As soon as those words are said, they change the dynamic. If a man isn’t feeling the love quite yet, he may suddenly feel pressure to manifest that emotion. And if the woman doesn’t get the response she expected, it could damage her confidence enough to derail the whole relationship entirely.

The same thing can be said for women, because like men, women are scared of love. So I ask is there a time limit on love and what’s the fundamental rules of love?

 


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  • erica
    i hate playing these games when it comes to relationships. why cant men and women just be honest? i know that sounds extremely young and naive, but damn thats all i want. i told my current boyfriend i loved him first and ever since he's been a jackass. so im gonna take from this unhappy experience and become a cynical downright rude chick, for some reason men seem to like that. and please say its not boys that act that way. its MEN.
    im just ranting now, but i plan on breaking up w/ my bf 1/1/2009 and saying the line "like barack obama said its time for a change." i just always wanted a reason to say that. :)
  • yes
    lol i agree and hey that just may be the way to go
  • Sexy N Sassy
    Love takes time to surface, you have to bond and have a strong connection with a person in order to love them.
  • Thoney Gangstasweet
    this is why i haven't and won't love. men always fall in love with me, but i think its because the sex is good and i present food like we're at a fancy restaurant or something. i think its all pointless. and this quote is sooooo true:~an “I love you” uttered too soon, before the man has processed his feelings and reached the same level of adoration could end a relationship that just as easily could have had an eternal shelf life~

    i usually run right after those words are uttered because i get all pressurized into forcing a feeling that just isn't there. then ur forced to do more "couply" things or like feel bad because he's just a humpee that pays for nice dates, and things get all whacky. mmm i dunno. its all pointless....be careful who u say it to and when cuz it always leads to the fuggery.
  • i went through this situation with a boyfriend. he had me WIDE OPEN lol...real talk, i'm not ashamed to say it, i thought about me and him and came to the conclusion that all the good things i was feeling had to be love, i told him, and he said NOTHING..thinking back now, i think i got "i know you do" or "i have those same good feelings about you too boo" or some statement that had me in tears for about 2 months everytime i wanted to say it but couldn';t; knowing he wasn't gonna say it back. it made me feel defeated, almost like i wasn't good enough for him. i felt like i was doing something wrong "why does this ni@@a not love me back??"..lol... then finally, weekend after v.day he told me it back, with a small form of sincerity if i might add =|, i felt nothing at that moment but after hearing his friends joke and tell me how open he was for me, when i wasn't around, all he had to say was good things about me, i came to the conclusion we quite possibly, fell in love with eachother at the sametime or established feelings for eachother, but because he was "scared" and "had an icebox where his..." you get what i'm saying, he didn't tell me. personally, if i was placed in that situation again, i wouldn't utter those words too soon, you can never tell what may happen in a relationship, but make sure the feelings you feel are authentic and not just some ciara and bow wow puppy love ish
  • Deeny
    Damn, that's a tough one lol. There is no time limit on love(or at least there shouldn't be). I know people who met and fell in love in a period of 4 weeks, but that was a unique situation. I think b4 ANYONE, male or female decides to tell the other they love them, they need to be sure that's what they're feeling, and not the "idea of love" or even infactuation (which a lot of people STILL think is love as grown as they are smh). Then when they are sure that its love, be PREPARED if the person does not return the sentiment. I agree w/ Xilla that men are not as good with their emotions as females are, but that doesn't mean that women should feel bad or unloved back. Be observant! A person who loves you will SHOW you. It's not brain surgery. But if months and years go by, and still no verbal confirmation of loves comes out of their mouth, then have a talk about it.

    I know one thing, i'd rather have someone who takes a long ass time to say "I love you" than someone who says it everyday but actions don't measure up!
  • ChucksFavorite
    I just went thru this same kinda thing....on Christmas Eve, as a matter of fact. the women in my family had always told me that I should never say "it" before the man does. But, i felt as though I was hiding something. my bf knows that I care about deeply and he knows that I will go to the ends of the world for him. But i felt like I was keeping a secret from him, and i couldn't take it any longer. so, i told him. and now, I feel like i've lost 10 pounds. i didn't tell him with any expectations attached... i know that once he ready to say those words to me, he will. and if that day doesn't come, that's okay. we'll just go our seperate ways and look back on the good times we had.
  • sn0wbunny
    "I know one thing, i'd rather have someone who takes a long ass time to say "I love you" than someone who says it everyday but actions don't measure up!"

    I definitely agree! I've always believed that actions speak louder than words.

    & most of the time, I follow the "don't say it before him" rule lol
  • SugarTits
    NO!!! There is no time limit.

    I love everybody, even those that don't love me. It's cool. Love is beautiful and we all are in need of it. The cats that I'm cool with know my heart and they know that I am a "free spirit" and a loving person. Therefore, when I do say it to them it's not an awkward situation or an uncomfortable silence. It's more like shit she loves everybody and it doesn't put any pressure on buddy..

    BUT............

    If I whisper that ish while I'm ridin that man meat like I'm on a horse during the apocalypse then yes......that's different.


    hee hee =P
  • SugarTits
    Gone and tell her you love her folk!!!!
  • i dont think you can put a time limit on love. Personally, i think it all depends on the chemistry.
  • get like me
    olive juice....
  • sexyma078
    I remember telling an older lady I worked with that I was getting married and her exact words were "Good cause he loves you more than you love him ( I was floored becuase I really believed our love was equal and had no clue WTF she was talking about) and thats how it should be".... But now looking back she was right....I think because woman in general are emotional creators it works for a man to get (or at least admit to ) those feelings first....Most of the time (and I said MOST) a woman is not going to run from a man that truly loves (not only says it but shows it) her were as like Xilla said it could be the end all be all if a woman says it to a man who not ready...so yes as a Mamma with 2 girls I'm teaching them Make sure he loves you more ( dont ask me how you know but you know!!!)
  • HeadMistress
    You know when someone loves you, if you have to question it well then that's your answer...

    I don't agree with the "wait until he says it first thing" you also shouldn't get caught up on him saying it right after you do for the first time, feels forced

    If you feel it say it, as with all things this requires being smart about it, be realistic and know what kind of relationship you're in, don't be stupid about it and blurt it out off of pure openess, if your relationship is REAL and STRONG then saying it without hearing it back right away won't crush you or make you regret saying it....it won't mark the beginning of the end of your relationship
  • A woman should NEVER say "I love you first". Men run from any type of "permanent" situation when it comes down to relationships. If a woman says "I love you", the fellas think we want to get married tomorrow....
  • Lady Jei
    IMO, that's not a man, that's a boy who can't handle a woman; but needs a girl.
  • sadly that is the majority of the fellas out here.
  • nichellewalker
    I say let him spill the beans first we woman talk to damn much anyways we sit around telling a man all our feelings and he gonna be just want you run your mouth off and tell him. Than he flowers and candy and here come I Love You after he knows he got you the real him comes out. Ladies sometimes it more wise to let the man take the lead.
  • daisybunny
    i think it should simply come naturally. there's no matter who says it. as long as you truely love the person...obviously they truely must love you too. whoever says it has to mean it...man or woman.
  • Lady Jei
    I have said it first, but I know he felt it first. I have no intentions of hiding how I feel. That's like holding in that fart on the train that keeps coming back. Then your walking around with your damn stomach hurting. Let it go. I'd rather be ashamed, than bust a vein, lol.
    I am a grown ass woman and don't need to wait for him to say it first, especially when his actions have told me time and time again. The way I see it, he will get around to it eventually.

    Besides the majority of the time when I say it, he is blowing my back out, LMAO!!!!! j/k.
  • I have the problem of girls telling me they love me before they give me a chance to love them....
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