Abusive Relationships

Posted in Life, Relationships on Sep 25, 2008

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Last night on my podcast I spoke with one of my readers about her situation. Her man, verbally and mentally abuses her and she was wondering if she should feel guilty for wanting to leave. Of Course the answer is no, she should leave the first chance she gets. I know that she is not alone and other women are stuck in a relationship with an abusive man and don’t know how to get out. So if you or someone you know here are some things they can do.

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

The process of leaving an abusive relationship is difficult and dangerous. Safety is the primary concern. Even if you do not think your partner poses a risk, leaving often triggers an increase in violence. It is best to prepare as much as you can ahead of time.

Ask a friend or family member to keep items you gather to take with you. Make sure the person you choose will not tell your abuser about your plans to leave. Do not take anything that will be noticed as missing.

Things to Stash Away:

* Money
* Contact information for a local domestic violence shelter
* Prescribed medications
* Legal documents for you and your children (e.g. birth certificates, social security cards)
* Photographs or written evidence of the abuse
* Financial records and account numbers
* Personal belongings possessing sentimental value
* Clothing and personal needs

Things to Arrange:

* A plan that safely removes yourself and you children from the home
* Transportation for yourself, children and belongings
* A safe place to stay
* How to manage being gone from home for an extended time
* Referral to a lawyer or legal advocate to obtain a personal protection order, temporary child custody order, etc.

For More information on Abusive relationships Click HERE


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  • I am happy that you went one step above posting a letter and letting your readers comment on that. I commend you for doing so. I work in teh court systems and I see this situation way too often and sadly enough when the men are being prosecuted, it is the woman who is pleading for the charges to be dropped.
    Women please look after yourselves and know it's never ok.

    Thanks again
  • VIChick
    I am glad that you put these suggestions up. Alot of women may not know the first thing to do or how to get started. So hopefully this will give them some sort advantage to the situation.
  • kyas_mami
    *Applauding*
    As a survivor of a violent relationship I can really appreciate this post
    I think abused women catch alot of flack and blame for the situation they're in, but until you're living it you have no idea how you will react
    My daughter's father was very physically abusive and tried to kill me while I was pregnant, and I ALWAYS swore I would never be that girl...
    But I also had no idea, how strong a weapon fear is. It can paralyze you and render you defensless, especially if you are too scared or embarassed to ask for help...
    So Xilla, thank you for this post there are so many women silently suffering...
  • I know how it is my dad use to beat my moms ass! When I came home from the hospital my dad put a gun to my mother 's head in a drunken rage! He use to beat her and abuse my mom. So this is a topic that is dear to me.
  • Killa
    From someone who has never experience physical abuse (thank God), what is it that keeps the woman there? Is it a combination of fear and the mental manipulation? At times it seems the woman knows she needs to go but doesn't, i've always wanted understanding of what makes someone stay. I had a friend who was abused and when I asked her she just said it's better if you don't understand so you'll never be that girl. She's with this dude to this day. In no way am I judging just curious as to how the mind convinces otherwise.

    Great post xilla.
  • kyas_mami
    It's definately a combination of fear, embarassment and hopelessness...
    What alot of women who havent been thru it don't understand is, "The battered woman" never saw herself in this position. I kno I myself always looked down on women who stayed with abusive men until I was that girl...
    When you're blinded by love, or that which looks like love you want to believe him when he says he wont do it again, you'd rather blame yourself, and your too embarassed to ask for help because you dont want people to judge you... there are so many things that go along with it
    I was fearing for my life and I was pregnant... the fear was so crippling i cant begin to describe it. Still to this day if I ever see my EX i'd probably be frozen with fear..
  • Killa
    Wow.. it's deep on levels other than just the actual physical abuse. I'm glad you got out of that situation.
  • Mrz.Me
    As a domestic violence survivor. i just thank GOd everyday that i got my life. I might have left with nothing, but material things i can always get back. My life i can't. Im happy that now when i look at myself in the mirror, I don't see a black eye, busted lip or bruises. I see the woman I was before him. Each day i remind myself that that 's the past and to keep pushing and to love myself so i will never have to go thru that situation again. And that if a man hit you once, he will do it again. The longer you stay the worst it gets and if you really want to hurt him leave and call the police on him and send his ass to jail. It's not called snitchin when you are trying to save your life. i think you will get a pass on that one.
  • I agree with you.
    But you gotta let the readers know(as stupis as it sounds)
    there are male's that are also abused whether mentally or physically(i dont think as much as women, but yes, it happens)
  • VIChick
    I actually knew a guy that was being abused by his girlfriend. She was a roommate of mine and we all went to the same college together. We kind of had it as a running joke, I guess at the age of 22 we never knew a man could be abused by a woman. And the fact that he was bigger in size and weight to her made seem even more strange, but being around them on a regular basis I noticed that his self-esteem was crushed. She actually made him think that he could do no better so he stayed with her. I met his mom and I realized that my roommate reminded him of his controlling mother and since he was physically abused by his mom growin up so that was all he knew. I lost contact with her and our friendship ended but I hoped that he would leave her. Surfing the net about 6 months ago I found a picture of them on their wedding day. HE ACTUALLY MARRIED HER. I honestly hope that they both seek help.
  • Breezy
    i was with a guy that was mentally and emotionally abusive.. i called him out and of course he didn't see it as such. after i broke it off, he sought out counseling as a ploy to try and get me back. while im happy he did, there is no way i can put myself through that again. even as friends now, i still see that he needs more help. insecurite plays a major part (i think) of why people are abusive.
    abuse of any kind is never OK and i hope people out there read this and stand up for themselves.
  • Grown Ass Man
    I'm a social worker and deal with a lot of families where domestic violence is present. Today I met with a woman, whom I've been working with now for over a year, and she says that she is ready to leave her husband...I know that she will leave him for a week or 2 but will reconcile in order to stay in her expensive home and great neighborhood. I tell you people, it's a sad sight knowing that this woman will get back with this abusive jackass and again blame things on herself.

    *Note - Cases like this have caused me to contemplate permanently running away from social work
  • sexyma078
    Never been a victim but I co-chair my Affinity groups community outreach committee and just before I logged on I finished a poster for a toiletry drive for a local shelter for abused women that my group is sponsoring. OCTOBER IS DOMESTIC ABUSE AWARENESS MONTH. get out and do something to bring more attention to the situation for those who have survied you have a duty, for those like myself who are fotunate to have never been in the situation maybe doing this will help you better understand why women stay... and how you can help a friend or loved one.
  • lemon_head
    that's some good advice. half of these don't even come to mind when you are trying to leave someone abusive. thanks for posting.
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