From The Vault of BlogXilla – The Independent Woman

Posted in Best Of, Entertainment on Sep 11, 2008

Here is another throwback from the vault of BlogXilla – Please remember these articles are written to spark debate and discussion.

The independent woman in today’s urban world needs to be celebrated and awarded on a daily basis. Yet their independence does not make them perfect, one of the main complaints is they can’t find a man, a good one at that. So here are 10 Good Reasons Why the Independent Woman is Single in Urban America.

Disclaimer – These reasons do not apply to all Independent females, but some. It was posted for open debate.

    You Fault Your Salary – No one likes to hear how much better than them you are. Constantly telling him how much more you make than him is not something a man wants to deal with, a man needs to feel superior, and as much as we love pimps and players no good man wants to be a women’s Ken doll.
    You Think You’re Too Good To Go Down – Something about status and a title makes females think they no longer have to do the nasty things men love. Lighten up. It’s this fact alone which will have even the best man creeping to your best friend with no job and 5 kids.
    Can No Man Do Anything For Me – Whether you’re rolling in the financial dough or not men like to be the providers. And if you don’t allow your man to do things for you, and at least act like he wears the pants in the relationship you’ll never be able to keep one.

    She Cares About Her Career More Than Him – Too much over time leave the penis under attended to and it will stray. This kicks in the “Other” brain. We all know men have two heads.

    You’re Not My Daddy – Honestly we don’t want to be your daddy either unless it’s in the bedroom when you have your ankles on your earlobes and screaming like banshee. Men don’t like to hear complaining. We’ll work and do the best we can to provide and if you make more than us we don’t need to hear about it all day and all night.
    There Is A Stick In Her Ass - Money tends to change people, so when she used to like General Tao’s Chicken from the local Chinese spot she now likes Sushi and Lobster tails. Nothing is wrong w/ ordering take out ever now and then from the Chinese restaurant with the bullet proof glass, standard plates of food on the walls and giant picture of the Great Wall of China.
    She Cheap Like A… Well I won’t say it but it rhymes with YOU. She won’t let you buy the new pair of custom made Kanye Kicks but she drops a rent check on the new Loubintons.
    She’s Not Giving It Up – Chances are she’s so focused on her career that hooking up for a date is damn near impossible and let alone sex. Sometime we just want to do the do and if we got to show up at your office in some tennis shoes and a belt we will be there dangling in the wind.
    Too Many Demands – She has too many demands on what she is looking for in a man. He has to drive something better than her, he has to make more money than her, he has to have soft hair and a nose that not wider than his lips. Love doesn’t love anybody and it’s blind as hell. Sometimes you can find love in the most unlikely places.
    She’s Spoiled – Her parents did everything for her, and now you damn near have to sleep w/ her mother in order to seal the relationship.

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  • Some of this commentary just sounds like Male Insecurites, and the others aren't real issues. I think this post could have been better.

    Real issues are MOST men can't handle an independant woman, due to their need to be superior even when he doesn't possess the talents or abilities to be considered superior. That is a self esteem issue on his part.

    If someones salary makes you feel you have to level someone else in order to get back a feeling pseudo-superiority, you need counseling, because again, that is a lack of esteem.

    There are many men that are functional and not only could care less if a woman makes more than him, he supports her drive and is very busy being his own success. He doesn't have time or energy to hate on the very woman he is dating.

    It makes no sense that a man even has the time to complain about someone elses successes as to why they don't want them. Many times the attitude that comes from women like this is due to the man bringing more bullshit to the table than being a helpmate to the situation. Just being considerate, loving and ambitious is what many of these women don't get from men.

    Instead you are dealing with men that get with them that want to be taken care of , or feel he needs to be praised and babied all the time. She is having to Deal with him walking around the house mad at the world because he is trying to think up of a way to get back as a being considered THE MAN, without actually going out there and achieving anything.

    Ego is a fragile thing, and if his boys get a whiff of his woman making more than him... he is off to the races trying to do stupid things to get some get back.

    Remember that episode of Martin... when Gina was making more than Martin.... all that he went thru to be THE MAN, it was a hilarious show....

    So if she is single it is her choice not to settle, and it is his choice to not be with her, is not going to make her less of a woman.

    People need to stop assuming that a single woman is less of a woman.
  • SugarTits
    I think you're accurate in your assesment. High post puttin on ass hoes what we call em in tha hood.....lol
  • lol @ sugartits...

    and you know they have high falooting males too... they have a lil money and start seeing women as disposable property. He talks to her like she is suppose to bark and roll over at some point lol
  • Princess0889
    @ Kimberlee I cannot sincerely believe this because I have never met a man that did not like there woman to make more than he does. I think the problem lies in the fact that many woman throw that in their man face like "no you can't afford that" or "I don't need a man" or "I make more than you". Men just do not like to be put down. There are too many men being taking care of their men finacially by women and they have no problem with this obviously. Like I said before you still have to let them have the power in the relationship and not try to put him down by degrading him.

    I will admit that I am spolied but I am not looking a man to do the same I have a parent that does a fine job.
  • I agree that NO ONE should want someone that will put them down, but to say she is that women that make more money than their man is destined to be alone, is not a fair assumption.... the article again was a one sided view into what makes women speak up or say things like I make more than you. When someone works hard to achieve and you have someone that will try to belittle you, I don't know of too many people that will not speak on their accomplishments.

    But to say because they mention their accomplishments as a reason to dump them, if that was the case men would have the same problem. Many men throw in women's faces the need to mention what they have..... it is a self esteem issue when you put your self worth in categories of monetary accomplishments... and unfair to let someone elses mention of theirs make you not want them.

    We are all materialistic to some point... no one that is sane wants to be broke, homeless and never get anything nice. But no this was not about women who put their men down , but more about the power struggle that many men feel they should always win.
  • I have a problem with this whole independence idea. I feel that a woman who makes her own money, buys all that she wants, and takes of children by herself is great. To me that doesn't make her totally independent if she still beats to the drum of what men in authority (whether it's her job, government, etc.) say. I feel that the most independent women in history were Eleanor Roosevelt & Betty Shabazz. Both women were connected & married to powerful men, but they didn't simply mimic what their husbands said & that's what made them truly independent. They may have lived off their husband's income & in their homes, but they had minds that were all their own. That's the independent woman I want.
  • KC
    I think this post is some hot ass garbage...the bottom line is that men these days are becoming more and more dependent. And because we as Black women have been forced to take care of business we're the ones with the problem??? I don't think so.

    -Too many grown ass men are still living with their mothers over the age of 25.
    -Too many grown ass men are out here helping to create kids they cannot financially or emotionally support -Too many grown ass men would rather hug the block than pick up a damn book.
    -Too many grown ass men would rather date outside their race because they know the particular women they choose are A-Ok with their lack of drive and motivation.
    -Too many grown ass men do not know how to approach or engage in a conversation with a grown ass woman.
    -Too many grown ass men rather blame women for their problems instead of coming up with real solutions.

    I could go on and on.

    If I've busted my ass to educate myself, take care of myself, do what I need to do for myself I want my man to be on the same thing. He needs to have educated himself be able to take care and do for himself too. That shouldn't be so much to ask!!!

    So women who are independent need to settle to be in a relationship? Women who are independent should have less demands??? Fuck that!!!

    If I need to date outside my race to find what I'm looking for so be it- Black men have been exercising their options for years and I feel Black Independent women should do the same thing.

    Xilla how bout you post the perks of being with an independent woman instead of perpetuating these bogus ass notions.
  • Slim Goodie
    Im a humble independent woman, I don't have a man, but If I did I would not throw "how much money I make in his face or take anything like that for granted. All these material Items are nothing. They could be gone in a flash and now guess what...I have to depend on SOMEONE whether it be the government, or I get hurt and it is a nurse I have to DEPEND on to take care of me. I agree with Muhammad be an INDEPENDENT THINKER, stand out and stand strong in that way. Have your own Ideas and be your own person, but don't bash or judge you man because he cannot provide for you as much as you can provide for yourself. We all need them for something, whether it be the d**k or companionship, or reproduction purposes. We all DEPEND ON EACH OTHER FOR SOMETHING, NO ONE IS TOTALLY INDEPENDENT! AND IF YOU ARE AND HAVE MADE IT IN THE WORLD ALL BY YOURSELF WITHOUT DEPENDING ON ANY ONE, I NEED TO MEET YOU!
  • KC
    Let me paint some pictures real quick because sure some women might throw money in dude's face but sometimes that's NOT how it goes...All the men I've ever dated made less than me and I never threw that shit in their face - but the fact that I could take care of things financially made them feel less of a man- and that is not the woman's problem.

    Example----A couple goes out to dinner the check comes and the guy is looking like "SHIT! I can't afford to pay for this" The woman pays but at the end of the night. He goes home feeling insecure and less of a man because he couldn't pay - this has nothing to do with a woman throwing money in his face.

    Let's be real the only time those issues may be brought up is if an argument takes place and the woman is resentful and says some shit- but I'm quite sure women don't go around telling men I make more than you- you can't afford that and so on...
  • tinanichelle
    i agree w/ kimberlee... some of it is male insecurity. . some girls quickly get labeled b/cof things they want and expect. most of the time we just want someone who is on the same page if not in career at least emotionally & spiritually. personally, it's not about how much money u have it's how u spend & save the money that u currently make. poor spending habits say a lot & it will mess w/ ur sex life b/c we like to feel stable...we want u to still be able to provide but u also must be responsible. THEN AGAIN... there are those who do fit the description...and maybe those guys should re evaluate why they're still in the relationship but still willing to stray.
  • I just don't understand why when a man accomplishes something and he makes requests of the type woman he wants (slim, smart, sexy, sane, with a job, etc) he is just exercising his preferences, but when a woman asks for her preferences ( employed, sane, sexy, independant, not a convict, etc) she is asking for too much, and therefore she should be alone...?

    There are a lot of disfunctional people in the world both male and female. I have noticed that because of people with lack of morals and common sense... the ambitious and prosperous have to deal with people after they have gone thru one dysfunctional relationships after another.... then want to add boundaries when they get to someone of standards.

    I say demand standards from the morally bankrupt... and stop putting labels on the one that have their shit together.

    Tinanichelle... i agree with you... after you have worked so hard to achieve.. nothing is worse than a man that presents hisself as one thing in the beginning... and turns out to be a bum....I can tell you.. when you find out a person has lied... or is a bum... you tend to lose all respect... and I know for a fact... black women get an attitude at something like that... lol

    So damn right that woman is going to check you... and more times than not it will bruise the egos of the weak... your ass shouldn't have been lying...no respect for you.
  • I'm an independent woman and don't claim any of these reasons. Then again...I'm not single.
  • VIChick
    I am a single independent woman and I it seems like men are intimidated by me because I got my own shit. What is wrong with a woman wanting someone that at least can provide for himself? I am not saying I need someone to take care of me but I would at least like to be with someone that can have my back weather it be financially, emotionally, or spiritually. If I fall on hard times I want to know my man can have my back and vice versa. I am not in the habit of taking care of a grown ass man because he either refuses or doesn't know how to take care of himself.
  • baby t .... it is damned if you do.. damned if you don't. If you are broke waiting on a man to take care of you... you are a gold digger, and don't deserve a man, and if you are ambitious and work for all your own stuff... you are too headstrong and should be alone. shrugs... oh well.. JUST DO YOU I ALWAYS SAY. I feel if it is in the cards for you to have a mate.. they will accept you and your flaws.. the same as them wanting you to accept theirs.
  • blackfujones
    i always find it funny that the most independant women are single. they sing the same tune,men are intimidated,insecure blah blah blah. thing is as independant women your unable to tone down your attitudes to find a suitable mate. i had to do the same thing to find my wife,so why would it be any different to so-called independant people. basically i believe independant people are selfish,its when you allow yourselves to depend on another person when your able to transcend and allow someone to love you.
  • I feel ya black... some women do go mad overboard with the attitude.. but to just ask a question... that sassiness is a part of black women... it is a part of who we are... A lot of men find that attractive. Now I am not talking about them females that are just downright nasty in their ways... but sometimes that smart mouth is what keeps other males out of her face.... I think that is one thing about black women that black men need to learn to understand... we take on so many flaws in our men.. from having been in prison, cheating, other children, and bad attitudes themselves... you can at least take a lil attitude...lol
  • blackfujones
    @lexave

    i know right. imo its folks who claim all this independance who dont deserve a mate. seems like folks need to humble themselves
  • Alex
    Ladies, I read the comments and I agree with most if not all. There is nothing wrong with being independent, and don't ever feel bad about it!! What I will say is this we have allowed our black men, sons, brothers etc to become dependent whilst we have demonstrated our independence at times growing up in perhaps a single female parent home. Let's not keep looking at the problems and create solutions - there are plenty of men out there, who are also independent. But let's start at home by teaching our children their history don't rely on the the school version. Teach your male children to be independent like you do for your females and stop doing for them cause they have become lazy that we have become a culture of "what have you done for me lately?". As women you know it's us that run things.. don't be fooled by these labels they put on us to bring us down also. But think about how we can educate, assist our black men to gain more independence instead of being unemployed, going to jail and all the other typical sterotypes out there.

    I am a independent black woman, loving myself pheonominally (don't think I spelt that right but hey) I own my own home, lease a nice car, planning my own business whilst holding down a full time job and taking care of my teenage children. All I am doing is doing me and planning for the future. I don't give a f**k what anyone thinks or has to say about me I've been divorced for 3 years and happily single. During that time met some very nice single men who are secure doing for themselves.

    Don't believe the hype, Xilla you posting this to create a debate and you know it!
  • ANuJS
    "... Xilla you posting this to create a debate and you know it!" been a lot of this lately :)
  • EbonyLolita
    Listen, I didn't bust my ass paying attention in school, graduating 4yrs flat, hustle to get a job in my career to hide my accomplishments. I don't brag about my ish, but I ain't gonna hide it. Black men should take pride in their woman being accomplished. They should use that as a means of advancing themselves. What a lot of Black women need to do is stop taking a back seat to male insecurities. I uplifted my man and emotionally supported him when he felt like he was in the gutter employment wise, all while I climbed up the ladder. Now, I didn't see him and brag and boast. But what this nikka turn around and do????? Cheated on me when I was the only Educated/DownAss Woman who was with him when he had NOTHING!!!!!!! Mental note, neva again!!!!! If you ain't got, and ain't gone get I WILL NOT BE BOTHERED!!!!!
    F. the back seat I'm behind the wheel.
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