Verbal Abuse: He Lied, Used Her Then Broke Her Heart Pt. 1

The following blog was written by a reader who wanted to share her story. It broke my heart reading this.

Subject: He called me a “Dirty Slut”, but I define myself.
Have you ever been betrayed and feel as if your worth is nothing more than rotten brass? To care and trust someone so deeply and then have them spit fire directly at your heart? Your spirit no more in love with the internal beauty that once existed within? I regarded myself as a women with value much greater than gold. I was untouchable, impenetrable, available only in fantasy. Men didn’t have a place in my realm, my kingdom absorbed with an intelligent love – school.

I met this guy in 2008. He courted me and while I did enjoy his company, he wanted more than I was willing to give, so I ended our friendship. A couple of months later I received an email from him asking if he can visit me. I didn’t end our friendship in the best way, I just ceased all communication, so obliging to his request was done out of pity. While we did have great conversations, I couldn’t get pass the fact that he was very unattractive and plain; simply put, he has a face and the style that only a mother could love. My unresponsiveness to his advances made it very clear that I was not feeling him in that way. In response, he spoke the most persuasive words that made me want more of him. In sum, so convincingly he argued, ” you have a great thing in front of you, why would you let that go”? Decidedly, I let down my guard and allowed him into my domain.

He was very engaging, our conversations would last for three hours, we connected so deeply that my feelings became intimate. Importantly, communicated to him that I was inexperienced and I never dealt with a guy on a sexually level. But I remember viewing on facebook that he was in a relationship. I asked him about it and he reassured me that it was nothing, he doesn’t see her and that the relationship is over. I looked at him, trying to feel his sincerity, his truthfulness and I said ” Please don’t deceive, if you are not true with me, if it is not real, let me go”. He reassured that he was genuine and I trusted him; without a doubt. I knew this man was it, (aside from the physical) his spoken words would make any woman submit, he respected me and always he told me I was beautiful.

Eventually I gave him my virginity – I was 21. As the months passed I could feel the power shift, I became more attached and he seemed distant but it still felt so right. He confided in me, told me his feelings, how I made him feel; our relationship was very intimate. From my perspective, this thing we had was legitimate. Even so, he would question my commitment to him – that I should lose the numbers of the other men I had stored in my phone, he demanded that I change my number, and if he thought that I was with another guy he would get upset and tell me to lose his number; it seemed so real. He then, in a text, told me he loved me and a few days later when we were together he told me “you have a special place in my heart”! That same night he revealed that he officially ended that relationship.

As the months went on we had very turbulent times, I would tell him I can’t do it anymore and that I was done but he would always come back after me; he seemed so genuine! In January, I was dealing with my own personal problems and I had way too much than I could handle. I sent him a very mean email. A couple of days later I explained to him my situation and he understood and told me he was always down for being in my life. After that conversation he didn’t respond to anymore of my communications. Two months later, I learned that he had a child with the woman he claimed that he had broken up with, the same woman, he told me, that I was better than.

I felt enormously betrayed, used, and worthless. Everything was fake and I felt like shit. I confided so many intimate details about my life to him, I trusted him and I was so true to him. I tried communicating with him but to no success. Finally I found his girlfriend on facebook and I told her about him and I. Afterwards I relayed to him that I contacted her and that is when he finally got in contact with me but this was not the person I thought I knew.

Before I go on let me tell you somethings about myself, I lead my life with very strong conservative values. My morals were strong! I’m the quiet girl that doesn’t make a sound unless spoken to, I excelled in my academics, I was vice president of a student organization that provide mentorship, workshops promoting secondary education, and tutoring to inner city high school students, I participated in numerous social events such as fundraising for Breast Cancer Awareness and World Aids Day to name a few, I had a few selective group of friends and I stayed to myself, I never hurt anyone, NEVER!

His words confirmed everything that I thought was real was actually all pretend on his behalf. He cursed me so badly, he threatened to kill me, he told me my life will be in constant terror, he told me that he showed me my worth but worst of all—I confided in him that I was sexually assaulted by a friend, he spat that in my face. He told me “That rape artist showed you your worth, dirty slut”!

I became so disappointed and ashamed of myself. I was angry that I disregarded my values for him — a person that was unattractive and although we were sexually involved, the sex was so horrible, I never enjoyed it but for him, his pride and his manhood, I made it seemed as it was the best thing in the world. What a waste! My fingers were better lovers however, I digress.

It’s been almost two months and although I have moved on from him, I sometimes find it difficult to move on from the words and the realization that I was preyed upon. I find myself questioning my worth and my value, I have to remind myself that I am not a slut, and that none of this is my fault. If anything good is to come of this situation, it will be the lesson. I learned that he is a predator, he preyed on a inexperienced young woman. There are predators all around us but an individual have the power to champion against gross injustice; never become defeated. Also, instead of remaining “true” to and trying to please the other, we have to submit those principles to our individual selves. In your life, you come first, seek to please you! Finally, for women, don’t allow a man to define you, you, ladies, define yourself! Make it commanding! In conclusion, I hope that men and women both can learn that instant gratification is sometimes harmful to the emotions of the other.

Sincerely,
I Define Myself!

Thank You