The Real Reason Why Women Can’t Find A Good Man?
Posted in Relationships on 23. May, 2011
Photo Via Flickr
Written By Pete M. For BlogXilla.com
Have you ever said, “Where Are All The Good Men?”, “I Can’t Believe I Put Up With His Shit.” or “All Black Men Are Dogs!”
These 3 lines I hear 10x’s more than “I’m in love”. I am an early 30-something Black man living in NYC. I have 4 sisters and am in no way biased on my thoughts on dating. I can face it, the odds are completely stacked against women. Period.
I have had 5 serious relationships and about 100 flings over my time of seeing what I want to do with myself. That’s just it. Men have this unmatched luxury nowadays to see what they want to do with themselves. I for one can identify with this luxury. I am single, no kids, and a pretty well known person in the entertainment industry. Not a mogul, just a regular guy that knows a few people. However, in the past year and a half I have been keeping different company than when I was in my last career. The quality of women has skyrocketed! It was already good before but now it’s simply astounding.
Chris Rock once said, “A man is only as faithful as his options are.” THIS IS SPOT ON. I don’t even want to make it seem like I am making excuses for a man’s actions because I am not. But women have to work egregiously harder to keep a man. I listened to some of my 2 older sisters stories. My oldest sister (mother of 2 who has given up on the idea of marriage totally) has told me; “As a woman there are certain places that you shouldn’t even bother looking for a man. Cities like Atlanta, Tampa and Miami are a wasteland. Don’t even move there with your husband.” So I decided to look into this, do some research to support this and just see for myself. Knowing this is somewhat true just by seeing the climate of things, I wanted to know how many women think this way. Before writing this piece I bonded with a few women over some months and just asked questions. A couple I have even gone on formal dates with in my experimentation. (There were no lab testers harmed in this experiment. Lol.) The uncanny thing that was uncovered was that there was almost always another woman in the picture when they described their failed attempts in dating.
The women I know as friends have even been putting up with things that are unheard of to me. The issue is THE EVER LOOMING WOMEN TO MEN RATIO. I pulled some stats from the US census bureau to support this not-so-shocking theory. Most of the final data on the Census counts is released “officially” in one lump in the 3rd year after the data is taken. The whole report is due out some time in 2013, but they release sample data as they lead up to that time. I stumbled on a report from September 2010 that says 53% of the percent of the “Unmarried and Single” over the age of 18 Americans are women. That doesn’t seem astounding but that number is tremendously worse in urban areas like New York, Tampa, Miami and Atlanta. What this data doesn’t talk about is how the male gay population makes that number a lot worse. I’m sure once you put those together it’s probably looming somewhere around 4 to 1 single women to men nationwide. But when you ask around like I did, women say it’s as desolate as it’s ever been.
- Sophie – Oakland, CA: “It’s horrible, it’s gotten to a point where women are fucking each others men and well aware of it. Men would never be able to pull this years ago”
- Jewel – New York, NY: “In my opinion the ratio of men to women is actually caused by a number of factors. There’s, Jail, Homosexuality and those who are married to name a few. The dating pool is very scarce because not only do we have to compete against other women we now have to compete against men. This pool does not include the un-educated men who we don’t have time for and the unemployed men who we don’t have patience for. Sometimes our unrealistic check list weeds out someone who may very well be a good pick but that unfortunately is life. The truth of the matter is you have to kiss many frogs before you find your prince and even when you find him chances are he will have kids, baby mama drama, a criminal record and another girlfriend. Dating should be fun but its like a job interview of the sort if you get the call back he is also weighing you for the position and like we do with jobs we sometimes work 2 and 3 jobs. (Except he’s doing it with 2 or 3 women). I personally have accepted the bullshit at times in my relationship that I’m sure if the ratio was different I wouldn’t have; but you take one for the team (girl power lol). I listen to my single friends say how stupid I am while they fight over (scraps) of men who are already taken”.
- Alyssa – Brooklyn, NY: “They’re either cheaters, liars, no job, smoke weed all day, not trying to be in a relationship, allergic to commitment… you name it. I’m just saying. Do I sound bitter?”
The climate and the texture of dating everywhere has changed because of the lack of “good candidates” for women. If you add a couple of wild card factors to the pool like, the males success and/or wealth things get even trickier. Arnold, Tiger and Bill Clinton are proof of that. We have it way too easy.
-P.I.
its funny i was having the same discussion with some girls this weekend. i think women should also take responsibility for the lack of good men out there. we are treated as we allow, i understnad the whole ratio issue, but it is not the only issue of struggling to find that man. we have let what is abnormal become the norm but we expect better for ourselves.
My girlfriends and I talk about this all the time. It has defintiely become much harder to meet “good” men these days. quite frankly, I think society as a whole has made it too easy for men to be completely irresponsible and we as women are part of “society”. when you have chicks out here “borrowing” men from other women as though it’s ok… this sort of shit will not stop. men don’t feel they have to be held accountable for the bullshit they do because women have made them think it’s perfectly fine to lie, cheat, betray as long as they can say they “didn’t mean to hurt anyone”… GTFOH. sadly, when you have an atmosphere in which women are tearing each other down seemingly for the affections of some idiot man who really isn’t worth it… this type of foolery will continue. it’s sad but true. men will do what we allow them to and if we keep allowing for the BS, they will keep dishing it out.
ZY<—- COSIGN, COSIGN, COSIGN!! Men are doing what women in general are allowing them to do, however this shouldn't negate that men should have some sort of morality about themselves. Just because you CAN doesn't mean that you SHOULD.
In my opinion, a woman will only be treated as she allows & that whole “good men are hard to find” attitude and argument is bullshit. She has a choice in what she allows in a relationship. If you accept men treating you badly, that’s what you’re gonna get. But I’m not saying all men are dogs & what not because there are just as many ain’t-shit women out in the world as there are ain’t-shit men.
Co-sign with Miss Phoenix. I cannot speak for everyone but I’ll speak for myself. Now early 30s I spent 2/3 of my 20s going from wrong man to wrong man. But we all do, and I think we need to have those bad experiences to help us tune what we want and also appreciate what’s good. I did reach the point where after the latest cheater I thought to myself isn’t possible that every man I meet turns out to be commitment-phobe, a liar, cheater and so on, something had to change so I couldn’t change them but I could change me.
I changed the “type” of men I was going for. If I was in a club before I wld have gone for the super fly guy, not anymore, I tuned myself to scan for guys who would still appeal me physically but their swag wasn’t so obvious they looked and acted more normal.
I found one about 3 months after I changed my perceptions about what I looked for in a man.
Next step after few weeks of dating he started backing off saying we best stayed friends with a list of excuses when the truth was he was catching feelings and was getting scared of commit, and there was the mistake I always did before I used to say OK let’s be friends, not this time. I was tired. Tired of being nice, being used, he got the accumulated frustration that all my previous partner gave me, I told him straight we either stay together seriously or GTFOH now dont want u in my life not as a friend not as a cut buddy.
we now been happily married for 4 years.
So the ball is always in a woman’s court to run her life the way she think she deserves. What I learnt from my 20s is that I rather be alone than with a man who isn’t true to me. But be alone takes courage and not many people have that. It’s about principles and they never come without sacrifice.
Preach on it!!
Preach it honey!!
Sure is!! Preach!! lol
I think there will always be a woman who will let the “debauchery” continue. However, this won’t take away from the fact that a man who has it semi-going on having it easy if every woman stops. I will speak in my friends case. He has been looking for the right one for years and sadly has taken full advantage of generally not making a decision. He’s gotten cursed out by a committee of women for dating a few while deciding where he wants to be. They call it manipulation. I call it making sure he doesn’t end up with the wrong one. He understands the numbers.
Ive always said this – A Woman is powerful. It doesnt matter what the wife at home does or does not do – the fact remains.. when a woman wants something; she damn well will get it. That is why i dont blame guys who go astray.. however, to slightly contradict myself – it doesnt mean ill put up with it. Lifes 2short to accept shit like that.
But hey, thats just it.. Its life.
Woman are powerful, and your logic is dead on. Its up to a woman to decide if she'll leave or stay when her dude cheats. great comment.
I agree women are powerful creatures, but who gets the blame if its not the man for going astray? Men should not get a pass for that shit. The man is the one in a committed relationship and at the end of the day he owes his wife an explanation not this “powerful woman.” Men in my opinion get too many passes when speaking of infidelity. And society makes it easy for men to continue this amoral behavior. Women in return feed into it by sharing each other’s men with no problem and accepting cheating and never ending lies. Women allow this to go on. Men then have the best of it all. So back to the original statement “Women are Powerful Creatures.” We are the blame.
The numbers are not in our favor but everyone needs to stop this consistent LOOKING for someone. Live your life, be open, and have something to bring to the table and men will approach you, as women we need to give ourselves options instead of making desperate attempts to be a man’s priority. Men don’t run around hating themselves if they aren’t in a relationship, they just date women until the feel like settling down with one. We need to stop placing our own self worth in having someone else’s last name or being someone’s girlfriend. I believe that men can smell when a woman will do anything to keep a piece of a man and until we “wash” that smell away we will always have the problems that we have now.
Not going to lie here, women’s dating pool is so small because they’re so picky. And I’m not saying they shouldn’t be, he’ll I wont consider dating a girl if shes anything short of exactly what I want ( inside and out ) but then again that’s why I’m not in a relationship lol. We men who can have more than one woman prefer to fuck around and why would we ever choose to be tied down and have to work hard in a relationship when we can get all the women we want and still do whatever we want? Think about it
It makes perfect sense but there is only so much playing the field you can do after a while it gets boring and your hype starts to out grow it self.
my qoute sorry guys. WOMEN need to learn to treat men like kids. DONT GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT OR THEY WILL KEEP DOING IT. MONKEY SEE MONKEY DOO. SO START SAYING NO, U CANT, AND NO, CUZ LIKE ALL GOOD GROWN KIDS IN TIME THEY WILL LEARN WITH THE RIGHT POSTIVE GUIDE.
NO is the worst word in the English dictionary. There are other ways to do the same thing without saying no, or you can't. You shld never use those words to kids you limit their growth. You should say later, after you do this or that. If you fill them with the knowledge of what it takes then they can do it. That's why races have finish lines, and stories have ends. You have to set those markers.
Lol…. No ma’am. Treat a grown ass man like a child AND tell him NO all the time to any and everthing? How is this effective at all? Where can a relationship go with this sort of logic?
Xilla, I thought you had two daughters?
What does that have to do with this piece which says written by Pete M for BlogXilla.com?
Ok, I have to debate this point! I truly don’t believe there is that much of an offset of women of men in that ratio. I’m 26, single, some college, and a decent job, SINGLE! Why, you ask? Because I’m 5’8″, that’s why! The chick can be 4’1″ and won’t accept anyone under 6’1″. Women are too damn picky in my honest opinion. I gotta be a rapper, gangster, baller, suit wearer, doctor, actor, or just won the lottery. To get these things they try TOO HARD! Lose the caked on makeup, stop perming your hair, (Go natural!) stop it with the lashes, and stop fighting for a dude who doesn’t want you!
From a woman who’s been dogged ,cheated on, used, side-bitched and everything else under sun, and still couldn’t find it in myself to say shit like “All men are dogs” and “there are no good black men”……. It is hard to find a good man but if that what you want work at it. Commonly black women tend to have false senses of.what they want and need in a man. So often we get caught up with the bull shit men are putting out what we need is placed on the back burner. Many of us don’t want a man that doesn’t make “enough” money he gotta be ballin, can’t drive a raggedy car, has to look this way…etc. Not at all saying anyones standards but with those you’re lowering your chances of finding what you want personality and value wise. Ive dated everything from a complete LOOZERS to rappers and an athlete. Finding “the one” or a good guy took years on top of years. Yea my got broken, I was discouraged, sold my self short, but the real work starts with knowing YOU! What do you TRUELY want in a partner? After I found myself and had sworn off even the thought of getting to know a guy, along came my boo. Now that I look back he came right on time….. Be patient ladies just don’t give up on it.
There are some fascinating points in time on this article however I don’t know if I see all of them middle to heart. There is some validity but I’ll take hold opinion until I look into it further. Good article , thanks and we want more! Added to FeedBurner as effectively
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